fantasy trap

I’m retreating into my fantasy worlds again. I can spends hours just lazing around or pacing around my tiny studio apartment just thinking about things that could happen if everything went according to my plans.

It’s taking so much of my time and I’m really thinking that this is my defense mechanism when I’m very unhappy. I have nothing to be unhappy about though. Except for the money situation, I’ve got everything I wanted — the work, friends, family — it’s all there and I just have to do it.

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I’ve been living in my head these past few days (Photo by Shaira Luna)

Of course, the whole work environment isn’t exactly ideal. For one of my projects anyway, not all of them. It’s the delays too that are getting to me. And the overwhelming, constant need to be on top of things that is part of the job of being a social media manager (I have one social media management job, which pays the bills) and the Faculty Program Coordinator job that I just started two weeks ago.

I’m overwhelmed. I miss my energy and stamina of my youth. I miss not giving up or buckling under the strain of it all.

I can do only one thing a day and then rest the whole day after. I can’t juggle work like I used to. Ironically, all my fantasies include me doing just that and doing amazing at it. This is all based on my ability to multi-task different writing projects back in 2008 to 2014.

When did I get so tired?

This is a Piscean thing, or so I’ve read. We get so caught up in our fantasy worlds that we forget to live in the real world. It’s a trap of our own making. I was able to navigate through this when I turned 27. I lost the technique somewhere along the way after almost dying of kidney failure.

I got to get this back somehow. Even a trip to Caliraya wasn’t able to realign me as I had hoped it would.

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