In eight months, I’m going to be forty years old. It doesn’t scare me and I didn’t think that it affected me in any way. I like being older. I feel less inclined to be so accommodating and I can look back at all the years that I’ve been alive and feel more secure about my place in the world.
But as I look at my life these past few weeks and wonder if I’m suffering from some sort of emotional crisis because I’m turning forty really soon. Eight months is not a long time, really. And maybe that’s what all this inability to meet my deadlines and to spend hours and hours trying to start some of my projects.
Writing has been unbelievably hard lately. The words don’t come and since I don’t believe in writer’s block, all it really is, is a manifestation of discontentment. I’m unhappy about something. And it’s bothersome because I should be happy.
I’ve got work and I love teaching and I’m doing a lot more of it. My projects are moving along. Things are going to blow up for me very soon. When they finally finish and are screened to the public.
So, if I’m unhappy about anything, it’s the financial situation. This constant chasing after money and being chased after by creditors and panicking when my bills arrive.
I have the money. It’s all there. I just can’t access it because my projects keep getting delayed and so payments get delayed. The money isn’t coming as quickly as was originally planned.
I’m so tired of this charade and, at forty, after everything I’ve already done, I would think that it would get easier. But it doesn’t get easier. It never does. You are just supposed to get better at handling it.
I obviously haven’t gotten better at handling it.
Isn’t this a midlife crisis? Reaching the mid point of your life and figuring out that you aren’t anything at all close to what you imagined yourself to be and then flailing in the wind for some sort of control? That’s what this feels like. Living in my daydreams and the fantasies in my head.
I can’t seem to sit down and just do the work. My mind is in so many places at once.
I need to just get it together. I need to pay my bills. I need for my projects to come in on time and just happen and get paid and get more projects that come on time and pay on time.
I’m almost there. I’m almost stable and happy. Just a little bit more. Just a little bit more patience.