fly away home

One of my best friends came home from a trip the other day and we hung out with our other friends and we got drunk and she told me things and it got really deep and profound, talking about life and life choices, and the wine us really hard and I got to telling her that I think, maybe, she’s bound for an adventure that isn’t here.

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Tals and I at the Plaza Mayor in Madrid on my first night after my trip to Spain without any real preparation (taken in 2014)

It’s a strange thing, really, to be telling someone you really love and care about to go away somewhere. But I’ve always been the kind of friend who’d be happy to send you off if your happiness is somewhere else.

I’ve said good bye to Tals when she made her decision to leave for Spain and she found her happiness there. I did the same for Cat and Amanda, and while Cat came back with her family, I don’t know if, like Tals, I’ll see Amanda anytime soon.

I had to say goodbye to my sister eight years ago and I’ve only seen her again last January. Considering how much it cost her and how much it would cost me to visit her, I have no idea when I’m going to see her again.

And here I am again: on a friend’s living room, telling her if she has to go, then go and be happy and I’d always be here waiting for her to come back.

It’s so funny when you think about how it was I who was always itching to go. It was me who had plans since I was in my early 20s to leave and live in another country for a few years. And I’d stay if I found myself there or I’d go back. I just wanted to go, for the hell of it. For the experience. For the chance to be someone else. Not like the pushover, doormat that I am here because, that’s just the way I am with the people here.

There, my family name isn’t going to matter. There, I wouldn’t have any obligations. I’d just be me. Stripped away of all the pretense that I came with, coming into this earth, to my family and circumstance. I’d be a clean slate and I would have loved that.

I just never had the guts. Never knew the means and ways that I know now on how to go. I could’ve gone had I known what I know now. If I even just had a fraction of the confidence that I carry with me today.

But that confidence comes with age. I’m ready now but it’s not the right time. My career is about to explode. I’m neck-deep in it right now but once all of this is done and the work gets released and it’s out there, everything is going to blow up for me.

And I’m going to get my Masters degree and I’m going to be pushing for my tenure at CSB and I’m going to be amazing and I don’t want to cut my momentum now that I’ve finally got a foot in.

I have that horrible habit of killing my momentum. I’m the king of horrible timing but that’s always been me.

So, ironically, it’s me who stays and it’s me who says goodbye and helps people find the courage to take that great big adventure. If they really want it.

I really want it but the timing’s all wrong.

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