is this contentment?

It’s July, officially the start of the second half of the year, and things are looking up. I think. I’m applying for my Masters degree as we speak. The term is about to end and I’m going to prepare for my transition into my new position in the Film Department as the Faculty Program Coordinator. I’ll still be teaching but I will also be doing some administrative work in the department and it will be a fast track for me to be a full-time employee of the department, if I want it.

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photo by Shaira Luna

The movie I’ve been working on at the start of the year finally has a cast and we will be meeting them by next week to talk about the script and the characters. When that is done, I’ll have to do a final revision towards the final draft and, hopefully, the movie will start production.

It would mean that I’d have a film by the end of the year. Hopefully.

My documentaries are on full swing, both with August-September airings. The work on one documentary is creeping through with a full shooting week next week. The other is ongoing and I’ll be doing a lot of post work after. My August is going to be really full and busy.

I have a yellow light on another movie and a television show. We will be developing it over the next month to pitch again. Hopefully, we will get a green light and I’ll have another project that will tide me over until the end of the year and establish a good working relationship with a studio that can afford to constantly be creating content.

This is good. This is all good. I’m going to be busy but, if everything falls into their proper place, I’ll be okay professionally for the next five years.

On my personal life, my life has taken a huge change in the sense that I’ve come to be hanging around a whole new set of friends and I’m no longer tied down to any one circle like I used to be.

I have choices. I have my own identity and I’m not stepping out of the spotlight to give way to people who need it more. The people I’m with now are all chill and cool people (so far) and it’s so refreshing to not have to fight for my time on center stage.

Is this contentment? Because it sure is a whole lot better than happiness.

Because contentment is not fleeting or transient. It’s the feeling of security, of safety. It’s not a sudden, momentary thing. It has foundations and it cannot so easily lost or taken away. It’s not a gasp. It’s more like a series of regular breaths.

And life is still hard and I’m still tired and exhausted but I’m at peace knowing that if things became still, for even just a moment, everything is where it should be and I’m going to be okay.

And that’s better than happiness, isn’t it? Because when happiness is gone, there is only longing for its return, maybe even sadness or anger. There’s a void that comes.

But not with contentment. I was so foolish, when I was younger, that I only wanted happiness and thought contentment was compromise or settling.

It’s not. It’s the thing that lasts.

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