sinking deeper

I wanted this. I needed it, to be honest. I’m sinking deeper in all the work I have to do. I have become so busy that my life has become a routine of shoot, write, teach, sleep, eat, repeat and, even though I strangely am enjoying the routine, I know that in the long run this is not going to be good for me.


From an Instagram Story I posted last January

I’m always just working and just trying to make all my payments. It would be so much easier if certain clients paid on time. If my clients paid on time, I wouldn’t have to keep taking extra work on the side just so that money is coming at the right time.

It’s become this horrible cycle of taking in more work, delayed payments, so I end up delayed in my payments, and then I am just doing work all the time.

Luckily, I do so enjoy teaching. There’s so much fulfillment in what I do and watching films and reviewing them. It’s better than a social life, which, frankly, has gotten very, very routine and boring.

Right now, the plan is to finish all the work I have to do. I want to finish this movie that I’m writing (because I have two more in the wings). I want to finish this one television show that I’m writing. We’re shooting the whole season now before we start airing (they are the clients who haven’t paid yet) and we’ve already finished half the season. Five episodes are in the can and now the shoot and pre-interview schedules are getting in the way of my class schedules and I hate having to make a choice between any of my work.

Once that television show is done, that’s it for me. I cannot do an extended project like that, especially if I’m doing a movie in the process.

I’ve also taken a short documentary feature for television, which will start next month (which should stabilize me for April and May, at least) and it’s a project that I really, really believe in. More about it soon.

Right now, I’ve got my eyes peeled for any regular writing project in the same vein as my work in ClickTheCity, which does a lot of good for my day-to-day. When I get all my stuff done, I really want to just focus on teaching for a long while. Maybe for the rest of the year.

No more big projects and find some sense of normalcy for a few months. I can’t handle all this juggling of time and effort. I’m not in my twenties anymore. Hell, I was creative and productive in my early thirties. I don’t want to say it’s age because there are people my age and older who are way more productive and energetic than I am.

I’m just not at peek efficiency and I haven’t been since 2016, after kidney failure. It’s not my body. It’s my spirit. I haven’t fully healed from that experience. It was a constant battle to just get back on track and just to get to working again and so many factors were stopping me from getting better.

It’s like the fight had been taken out of me.

Yet, I’m still fighting.

I’m going to be fighting way past my 70s. That’s a promise. I am not going to stop working until I physically can’t write anymore.

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