for what the future

Strangely enough, I’m not on social media a lot and I’ve not been wanting to interact or engage on it for awhile now. I haven’t even been blogging, as of late, and I’ve had a lot of thoughts. I don’t know what it is, if this is a symptom of my reaching 40 next year.

IMG_6533 bw

photo by Shaira Luna (April 2017)

Or I don’t know if this is a reaction towards a hopelessness about the world. It’s not about the future anymore. It’s just about today, about this moment.

I’ve never been a cynic or a pessimist. I’ve always had hope. I call myself an optimistic realist. But as I scan the news and read through social media, I get the feeling that there really is none to have. Hope. It seems pointless to have any when the immediate world is in such a mess.

And strangely enough, I feel fine.

I don’t have a strong driving force anymore to make great big things. I’m actually happy to teach because in that contained moment inside the classroom, it’s just my students and myself, and it’s just about us learning. Sharing what we know. It’s about me being able to open this kids’ minds about the world and filmmaking and craft.

Maybe that’s why writing scripts have been so difficult lately because what is it about the world that is worth talking about if all I see is that it’s falling apart. It’s falling into a state that seems impossible to repair.

Or if you could stop this decay, it is not illogical to ask if it’s worth to putting back together again when we are, as a species, so obviously not inclined to keeping it a good place for everybody. For every individual, sure, they will try. But no one has the whole world’s best interest in mind.

Everyone is in it for themselves, it seems. These days even me.

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe this is who I am going to be from now on. But for what the future? It’s only now that matters. It’s only now that counts.

 

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