The past few days have been better. It’s silly to think that the new year was some demarcation point of some illusionary mindset that I placed on myself. But the new year came and my mind just suddenly came awake somehow. Some things have become clearer and some things have opened up.
I’m not completely out of the woods yet but I have found a path and I’m working on following that path until I’m completely out. Writing is still a chore but I’m getting things done and I’m hoping to be out of the woods by the end of January.
Surprisingly, though, it’s the people around me that concerns me the most. I’m noticing a lot of strange patterns returning and I have to truly ask myself what the lesson is supposed to be here. Am I supposed to walk away before it’s too late (like the last time this occurrence happened) or do I face it head on and try to change things for the better (something I never did when it happened again)? It’s giving me some anxiety, I have to be honest, but it’s something I really have to deal with.
My usual way is to just walk away. It’s the easy way out and it’s something I’m good at but I don’t know if that means I’ve learned my lesson or if it means I’m just running away from the problem again.
It’s something I have to think about further on. It’s been a growing concern since November, really, but everything has become so much clearer after my trip to the beach. It’s why I love going to the beach because everything really opens up for me and I can find my center and see things for how they really are when I’m there and away from it all.
I’m excited about teaching this term. I’m teaching Writing for Television, which also includes web series, and content that’s not film (like online branded short films). I’ve been doing a lot of reading, so as to not just rely on what I’ve done in the past. I really want to be a good teacher. This has become really important for me.
In fact, I’m thinking of delaying thoughts of studying abroad again until I’ve done at least two years in my teaching so that I can assure both the school that I’m applying to and the school that I’m teaching in that I will return. It’s proof to whatever organization I’m applying for grants and scholarships that the end goal is to come back and teach here.
And, lastly, I plan on taking extra measures to better my health. Eat healthier, try to get rid of sugar from my diet, and stop smoking. I tried to stop smoking this January but failed. I was able to do two sticks in one day but afterwards, I got so stressed out and I had to do a lot of writing so I got back on. It hurt, to have to fail like that again, but I will keep on trying.
I want to get into an exercise regime and get rid of all this excess fat. I’m gaining weight again but I’m also getting heavier fat-wise but not muscle-wise. I need to be strong. I want to fix that.
There’s a lot of things I want to do this year and I’m feeling much better now and ready to face it all.