it was irresponsible but I needed to get away

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The view of the lake from the house

I just got back from my friend’s lake house in Caliraya. Cat and her family have always been such great hosts and I was so glad that they invited me over just this weekend. I really, really needed a chance to recharge and just relax.

I foolishly brought my laptop with me thinking I was going to get some work done in-between the downtime but it was nice and cool at Caliraya that I just stopped functioning. I could not get myself to do any work at all.

I think I needed that. To just hang out there and not worry about what to do and what’s coming up and what I haven’t done yet. It’s reckless, I know. It’s irresponsible. But I feel so much better now and I feel so much more rested.

Yeah, I have tons of deadlines waiting for me. I’m home now, writing this, and after I finish up this blog, I’ll be working on a review and then writing an AVP script for a television show I’m writing for, and then I’m finishing a movie script that I’ve been working on since May, that’s way past its deadline.

I’ve been working so hard to stay afloat and to pay my bills and to just get through the next month with enough cash to pay the next set of bills. I’m surprised at my own resilience, really. I went back to Manila with nothing. Literally, nothing but the clothes in my suitcase and the promises of work.

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in full tito mode

Not all of the work came through but I got through each week and each month with new prospects and some stable footing and I was able to make this long with an apartment that’s sort of habitable and a routine that is working out for me.

I needed a real break from all of that. I needed a break from thinking about surviving and just living and enjoying. I was surrounded by children and I was just watching them being kids and it was actually joyful. It cheered me up to see them so carefree.

If you know me, I’m not much for children. I’ve changed my tune a lot these past few years when I started to become an uncle and, later on, a godfather. The kids of my siblings and my friends are all lovely children and they give me joy.

I needed this to just get back to that place where I remember why I’m doing all of this in the first place. I’ve barely had time to write up about Lance’s wedding or all the things I did for World AIDS Day and the like.

It’s been crazy. When finals week is done and I’ve submitted my grades and I’ve handed out the first drafts of my scripts, I’ll be able to start writing about what else has happened to me since December began.

It was a tough year but it wasn’t a bad one. It was a challenging year and there was a lot of growing to be done but if I make it through and I learn the lessons that I’ve learned, it would have been all worth it.

 

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