I hate my body

It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I really don’t like my body. I’ve been a thin guy since my first treatment for meningitis in 2008. All that medicine and not eating and vomiting on a daily basis sort of destroyed any musculature I may have maintained from my physically active days back in 2006.

wang laughing

back when I was beautiful (I think this was sometime in 2003 or 2004) my body was solid then

Yes, there was a time when I was marginally fit.  I went to the gym consistently back in 2005 and then I stopped that (because I hate the gym) and started wall-climbing. I did that until I moved and it was just so difficult to get to my climbing wall (now, that wall is gone). Then I got into zips and I would train constantly and perform and that kept me pretty solid.

And then 2008 came and I contracted meningitis and from then on, I became thin. Thin in an unhealthy, gross way. I had a hard time gaining weight and I couldn’t get my strength back. I’d start an exercise regime or something, I was into yoga for a bit, but then I’d get weak or sick and then I’d have to stop for awhile and I’d lose all my strength and I’d have to start from zero again.

Now, I realized, it was the meds that was keeping me weak. I couldn’t process protein properly and my kidneys failed and now that I’m on the proper medication, I’m gaining weight and I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to start getting fit again.

I just hate my body. I can still walk. I walk around a lot and climb three flights of stairs everyday because I live in a walk-up. But I have no strength. My clothes don’t look nice on me and I just feel like a mess because I look like a mess.

I know that it’s what is inside that counts. I’ve always been the kind of person who believed that it’s my brain and my personality that’s the most attractive part about me. I understand the concept of looking good so you can have that extra confidence to face the world. Working on your self from the outside-in, as opposed to my personal belief of working on myself inside-out.

But I have come to terms with who I am and I know what I offer but I still feel ugly.

I want to change that.

wang solo

This is how I used to look and I miss this body (photo taken sometime in 2003 when I was still hot)

I want to get physically active again. I have so much energy that I spend in my fantasy world and I’d rather get it out of my system. And the exercise would be good for me because my meds do raise my cholesterol and triglycerides. A lot of PLHIV are into forms of exercises because healthy bodies means stronger immune system.

And it’s a stress reliever. It’s an outlet for stress.

I’m making up excuses because I just want to feel good. I just want to feel like I look good.  I just want to be physically active again. I just want my body to become awake. I don’t want to be lazy. I don’t want to be inactive. I don’t want my body breaking down on me before it is supposed to.

I’m going to be forty in two years and I don’t want to feel like a sixty-year-old.

I’ve always hated going to the gym. Or I’ve always had a hard time getting myself to stick to a routine. But lately, it’s all I’ve been thinking of before I go into my fantasies; before I start living in my head for hours.

I’m think I’m ready. I want this so bad. I want to fix this life I’ve got and I don’t want to waste it inactive and unhealthy and not liking how I look.

I want to change and I want it so bad that I’d blog about it. It’s like I’m saying it out loud so I have to do it now. I’m forced to good.

2 thoughts on “I hate my body

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