wins

Things clicked last Wednesday and the days have become easier. Maybe not easier, but I started to feel more clear. The drive and the determination has come back and it feels good to finally want things so badly that I’m fighting the barriers that are impeding my determination.

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Taken from Lauren Young’s IG Story (@lo_young) when we worked together last night (sticker to hide the project name/title)

Last Wednesday, I felt like I finally have come to accept my Wednesday class for who they are and I got some sort of acknowledgement that I’m not an ineffective teacher. I decide to go for broke and just do what I do and asked them point blank if there was anything wrong with how I was teaching. I told them I felt that what I was telling them was falling on deaf ears but they told me that the exercises and the lectures have been doing good things for them. I feel my confidence return and I know now that I can just keep moving forward.

That is a great relief for me. And then my friends called me to hang out and have dinner at Persephone, my friend’s restaurant, and we just hung out and it was nice.

And then my Thursday class somehow moved from grueling exercises into a fun creativity exercise and while we do have fun in my Thursday class, it went into a different level and I think I discovered something new about creative writing techniques. I had to adjust my syllabus again and the exercises and lessons I taught last Thursday was a totally new thing I put together from various research to help improve creativity and it seemed to have worked.

Again, my confidence doubled. I felt more sure of myself and I was less afraid.

And then yesterday, I met with Lauren Young and we worked on a possible project together and it was free-flowing and thrilling to come up with concepts and ideas together and for four hours, we ended forming and building the skeleton of a script, in four hours based on just an idea. It was electrifying. And Lauren is so good and brilliant and there was so much mutual respect and trust. It was a great process.

And now I’m so excited again about things. I’m making to-do lists again and I’m crossing them out and I’m looking at my schedule and making adjustments because I want things again.

I’m making enough to get by. I pay my bills. I do my groceries. I’m doing okay but I don’t have spending money and there are things that I want. I have a wedding to attend on November and I don’t have a suit or shoes. My trainers broke on me yesterday while walking home from work and I have to buy new shoes. These are things that are outside my budget and since I’ve been unproductive and just working on what’s there, I haven’t been able to make more for mad money.

But I want to again now because I need things and want things and the fire is there and it’s burning and I can do more now.

I think I’m getting out of my depression. I needed a win and I think I got it. And then I’m going to the beach for two nights on Monday and that’s just going to be the final nail on the coffin of my dark days.  The past three months I’ve been down is finally going to be behind me.

I really needed this wins.

 

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