angry, distracted, almost broken

Been very busy lately. Just getting my life in order and trying to gather all my documents that I need for employment while plotting out my lesson plans for all my classes and finishing up all my freelance work. I want to be able to focus on just teaching and my film projects.

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taken in 2014 at the Million People March against the pork barrel and it’s now 2017 and nothing has changed

But I’ve also been very distracted lately because my country is falling apart. Well, to be honest, it’s only falling apart for the minority — the people who are against the maneuvers of the current government in seizing complete control — because the people supporting the president are all getting what they want.

The government is silencing their critics in office, impeaching Chief Justice Sereno, and de-funding the Commission on Human Rights. Worst of all? They president had said that the Marcos have the ill-gotten wealth and will only return some of it when congress grants them immunity. Otherwise, they won’t return it.

And I’m so angry. I’m really, really angry and it bothers me and I’m distracted and I can’t focus completely on the work at hand because I’m so bothered by all this bullshit.

I hated the previous government. Noynoy Aquino and his lackeys were incompetent and tone deaf but at least they buckled under pressure and they still cared about their reputation and of the appearance of being lawful. I hated Noynoy Aquino but the economy was doing okay (even though it wasn’t trickling down to the people but then what’s new) but we were okay.

Now everything is shit. People are dying and the main cause is the stupid war on drugs that puts the blame on both the drug dealers and the administration, who are suspected of coddling drug lords themselves. Hell! Even the president’s son has been implicated on drug smuggling but they are sweeping that under the rug.

The police are not our friends. There’s a war going on in Mindanao. The Lumads are getting killed and losing their land. There’s still no justice for the Hacienda Luisita farmers until now (or am I mistaken on this?), the Marcos family are regaining their foothold politically, the Chinese have built an island on our waters and are patrolling it, apparently, unemployment is getting worse and the HIV epidemic is growing and growing.

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Tweeted 4 years ago and it still hold’s true now more than it did back then

They promised that change was coming. Change is here and it’s horrifying. I’m not scared. I’m not the first in line for the horrors that’s going to befall every citizen here. I’m small fries and inconsequential. If ever, I’ll just be collateral damage. I have safety nets. I’ll be okay.

But everybody else. The people who don’t have protection, the people who have no safety nets, the people in the firing line — they are the ones who are going to suffer and feel the brunt of it. And that’s not fair. That’s not the way the world should be operating. Weren’t we supposed to be evolving and getting better as a civilization?

I don’t want to be a defeatist but I’m starting to ask “What’s the point?” Is this really the world I want to be operating in? Will the things I have to say have any consequence at all? Will I be able to influence positive change with the work I’ll be putting out from hereon?

I’m supposed to be a teacher. How can I teach effectively when I’m starting to doubt whether any of this has a point?

I really have to pull myself together, emotionally, before I break. Because it’s going to get uglier. It really is. And when it does, I can’t afford to break easily. I’m going to have to be tougher if I’m going to get through it.

I thought I was tough. I’m not tough enough right now.

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