photo taken last Saturday by Apa Agbayani

I am noticing repeated patterns from over fifteen years ago. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to go through them again because (1) it’s my chance now to do what I couldn’t do fifteen years ago or (2) because I have let go of my awareness and slipped back to that old version of me who was so insecure and broken. If it’s the latter, is this because I’ve suffered a heartbreak like I’ve never felt before?

I hate that this sudden backslide would be because of something as cliched as love. I would have preferred to have grown to the point that I would be better. I’ve been single for so long that I was so resolute in that whole monologue I’d give about being okay in being on my own. And then a guy comes along and I have to start all over again.

Hopefully, I won’t take as long into getting back into that frame of mind.

But I think there are changes that need to take place. I’m recognizing old patterns that are returning and I have to nip this in the bud now. Variations of my past are coming back to haunt me and they are just younger, 2017 versions of these old ghosts. I’ve dealt with those ghosts before and I’ve laid them to rest.

And now they are back. I didn’t see it but I see it now. It’s 2000 to 2004 all over again. And those were cruel years now that I have the gift of hindsight.

I need to make changes. I can’t go back to who I was. I can’t let those ghosts come back to life.


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