cabin fever

I’ve been in my apartment for three days and only going out to eat, bring my laundry to the laundry service, and to get stuff I might need for the house. Three days, maybe even more, andI was really suffering major depression. I think you could tell from my posts and if you follow me on Instagram or Twitter.

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This was another night, probably last week, with Tony, Jessie, Apa, Jox, and Adam but I’m posting it because I don’t have a photo of last night’s hangout

I did say I was going to disappear. I needed to deal with all these emotions. Cancer season, they call it, and with a full moon in Cancer coming up, I’m freaking out if this isn’t the worst of it yet.

So, yesterday, Jessie messaged a group thread that we are both part of and she said she was in Commune, which is somewhere nearby. I was neck deep in work but struggling and I decided to just drop it all and walk to Commune to see her.

I gave her a big hug and we just sat there and we both worked. Then we had dinner at Señor Pollo, just down the street, and Jox joined us. We were already with a new friend, Adam, from Switzerland, who has been hanging out with us for a while now. We ate, and went to Tambai and drank a bit. Miggy joined us in Tambai.

And I needed it. I didn’t realize it but I needed it. I’ve been cooped up in my place for too long.

It was good to be out of the apartment and to be dressed up in something other than house clothes. When I’m with others, I have to put up a happy front and if I do it long enough it just becomes real. I don’t know if this is a form of denial or escapism or illusion but it works for me. Working from the outside and then coming in.

Over dinner at Señor Pollo, we talked about colonialism and capitalism. We talked about corporate greed, education, how sophistication (or the lack of it) plays a major part in advertising and film, and the general malaise of the human condition. I miss these talks when you can really go down and deep into something so abstract and just try to break it down through history and facts and observations and personal experiences. It’s these passionate discussions that isn’t about shallow little things.

It energized me a bit. I felt renewed.

And when they all left to go to Nectar, I didn’t follow. I couldn’t afford to go out. I was watching what I was drinking as it is in Tambai and it was almost midnight. I wanted to get home and try to sleep early for a change. The depression was keeping me from sleeping early.

As I walked home, alone, in the streets of my ‘hood, I felt sad and lonely. Like I wanted to follow and I knew that was it. I wasn’t fooling myself anymore and I don’t know why that felt like a breakthrough. Like I could finally accept that I’m not emotionally okay. And that’s okay.  You can’t repair what you don’t know is broken.

And today? I woke up and feeling good and I went to watch Spider-Man: Homecoming on the first screening and I just sent my review to my boss and I hope the review will be out by tonight.

I’m feeling better. I’m feeling much better.

 

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