the disappearing trick

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Jessie, myself, and Apa at the Escolta Block Party last May, 2017

I’ve always been into astrology but never in the way that I’ve been into it the way I am now. I think becoming friends with Apa and Jessie have opened me up more into it. Apa and Jessie are both very, very knowledgeable about the zodiac and I’ve come to learn and become more aware of it than I have ever been. I used to just check Astrologyzone once a month but now I’ve gotten to be more aware of how it affects other people than just Pisceans. I’ve become more aware of new moons and full moons and what they mean when they occur at a particular sign.

It’s funny, though, because the Sagittarius full moon last June really sent me into whirlwind of emotions I wasn’t prepared for and then Cancer season hit and the new moon was supposed to bring good things. I haven’t felt this bad, emotionally, in a long time.

Knowing more about being Piscean, I realized that I withdraw when I’m feeling sad and that Pisceans are good at hiding away from the world. It’s a Piscean thing, apparently, and I’m in that stage right now.

I always thought it was because I liked being the happy and positive person in groups. If I can’t be the guy who is always telling a joke, smiling, helping out then I’m not going to socialize. That’s the person I like being when I’m around others. Most of my twenties, I was around toxic people and they always told me that I should stop being depressed because it didn’t fit me. They only liked it when I was happy and strong for them. That was a good eight years of never being able to really just be sad in front of people. I always decided to do it alone and away from everybody. I’m just protecting everyone from my darkness, was something I would say when people asked me about it. I’m trying to limit the collateral damage.

I’m now hanging around with better people and very loving and tender people. They keep asking me to just let it out, let them take care of me, but I still can’t get myself to do it.

I guess it’s pride. I’ve always set myself up as this strong person and this always-happy, always-smiling person and if I can’t be that then I’m going to disappear.

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photo by Cecile Golez

I hope this doesn’t last too long. I’d really like my old self back.

 

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