It’s been crazy but I’m extremely happy. I didn’t get the scholarship to study abroad so I got a place for myself in Manila; a one-year lease in a studio apartment. I’ve finally moved in and with that out of the way, I can now just focus on the work and slowly setting up my space the way I like it. It feels like 2004 all over again — not the craziness and the running away from the prevalent issue of that year — I feel like I’m heading out on my own and taking control of my life again.
I’ve been at the mercy of my body and managing people’s expectations and adjusting to everybody the past 9 years since my diagnosis. But starting this weekend, sleeping in my own space that I got all on my own, I feel like I have complete control of my life again. I understand my body better now and what its demands are on me. I have secured the idea of my ability and I have been able to shape the narrative of my condition to the point where the only people who know about my health is my own doctor.
I’ve learned so much and now, moving out and getting my own place, I don’t have to deal with the oppressive demands that people put on me. I know it is out of love. I know it is out of concern and worry. I’m a Piscean, though, so I take these things personally. I need to swim free or else I’m not free. And I won’t fight. I don’t know how. And I don’t want to disappoint.
So I played the long game. I worked my ass off to take control of my narrative. I’m an empath so I learned to push my ego away and give people what they want and need until they saw that what I had was strength.
And when I finally asserted my own needs and my own ego, it was their love that gave me the space to strike out on my own.
I made my body stronger. I showed them the strength of my will. I showed them how much I’ve learned.
And now I’m on my own again and I’m just taking care of me. For the first time ever in my life, I am finally taking care of myself.