alone

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Selfie over coffee one day last week because that’s what we do, apparently

I was staying at a friend’s place for my first two weeks when I got back to Manila. I needed a place to stay while I got myself settled again in the city. It was very generous and kind of my friend and I am so happy to have that first two weeks to get my feet firmly placed in the ground. But he shared his apartment with his two brothers and while they said it was perfectly fine for me to guest there, I still felt a little like an intruder.

I was barely home — meeting up with friends and attending meetings and meeting clients and going to shoots — that I’d come home in the weirdest hours, sometimes in the middle of the day, sometimes late at night, and one of my friend’s brothers would be there and I’d be sheepish and say hello. They were okay with it. They were like that as well. But I just felt off about it. There’d be times when I’d be in the apartment and nobody would be there. I had the whole place to myself but I still didn’t feel alone. I felt like they could come in at any time and so I was always on my toes.

I can never just relax, I guess. I’m always constantly adjusting to make everyone around me feel good and relaxed and comfortable. It’s why I think it really is best for me to be alone. So I don’t have to take care of anybody else’s feelings or comfort except for mine.

And that’s kind of hypocritical of me because I always tell my friends that “nobody is your responsibility, not really, and so you take care of you first.” But apparently, it seems, I can’t follow my own advice.

But I am at a temporary place now. Made a little money with some work and now I’m in a place for the next two weeks that I can afford while waiting for the scholarship news. I’m in the area I want to be in and I’m walking distance to all the apartments I’ve been looking at for myself.

I’m checking out my future ‘hood and getting to know the ins-and-outs of the place so that my transition would come easier.

I’m alone again and I have my own space and I am not walking on eggshells because it’s just me and my thoughts. I can take care of myself and I can just really let go and relax.

And I’ve got things to write and things to put together because this has been a very productive first two weeks and there are so many projects that I’m putting together and I’m excited.

I’m really, really excited.

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