Coming Off This Cloud

I kinda met someone two months ago. I totally misunderstood the connection that we had and thought the intensity which we pursued our friendship was something more than it really was. It’s the hopeless romantic in me at work, really. I thought that the way with which we really sought out each other when we chatted online after our initial introduction in real life meant that he was feeling the same way that I was. And I was smitten.

He is gorgeous and there was an assuredness to him that I am always attracted to in a guy. He articulated himself well, and I can really get lost in a good conversation, and we had lots. He wasn’t afraid to be open with me. I didn’t have to dig deep to get into the meat of him. He was open and readily vulnerable to me, which was a nice change. We didn’t dance around the conventions of a social introduction. it was a work situation but when we talked, I felt that we weren’t just passing the time or being civil and proper. We were really just get into it.

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time to use this photo again because I’m talking about love (anti-valentine party, Feb 2010)

The truth of the matter was that everything was actually quite clear from the get-go but I had to re-read hours and hours of messages that we had to realize that he never felt the same way that I did. He just wanted to be friends. It was I who wanted more.

I think I was falling pretty hard.

I’m proud, though, that I was able to figure it out pretty early. Earlier than I would have five years ago. And when I saw the situation for what it really was, I was able to take steps to get away from the situation and protect myself without sacrificing the friendship. This process usually takes a really long time. It’s been two months now and I can tell I’m at the tail end of it.

I still feel things when we chat and I am still scouting for any signs that I may have been right the first time but with each new chat we have, the feelings are not as intense as they were.

Pretty soon, when he says “hi” or if I initiate the conversation, it will truly be just as friends.

It’s been two years since I’ve actually really felt this way. Two and a half years, to be precise. I did have crushes, really strong crushes back in 2015 and 2016, but they were with guys who were not for me. I attached strong feelings to them because they were so close to me at the time and since empty spaces demand to be filled, I filled it with these two young guys.

I never told them how I felt nor did I feel like I should. We were friends (and still are) and I never acted or treated them as anything else but friends. I did not cross a line nor did I do anything unethical or creepy.

But I wasn’t, like, in love with them or anything. I think I did sort of fall for someone — or at least I was in the process of falling — back in 2014 but that ended quickly when I was friend-zoned on our second date. It took me awhile to finally transition from being the rejected one to a real friend. Though we don’t talk as much as we’d probably both like to but we live very different lives.

I’ve been single for 13 years now. I’ve probably gone on five or six real dates within that span of time. I say real dates because I probably may have gone to more than just five or six but those dates were probably set ups or situations where I didn’t really want to but did anyway because I felt like I had to. I had to at least try or something. Those five or six real dates were with people I really thought something could happen or were I thought there was a possibility for something more.

I don’t know how to date or what to expect in one. I don’t understand the concept. I either like someone in that way or I don’t. And if I don’t like someone in that way, I just don’t feel like going on a date and seeing if there’s a connection there because I feel like it’s a waste of time. I think I connect with people really easily and if I don’t feel it then I probably won’t feel it in a date type setting.

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A scene from the first episode of Hanging Out, which is based entirely on the concept of the meet-cute and is probably one of the reasons why I loved working on this show

I don’t know, I blame my growing up with Hollywood movies and thinking love and relationships are like what it is like in a movie. That it just happens and you just know. I just recently found out that the term they use now is meet-cute. That’s my failing as a human being — I want the meet-cute. I want it organic and spontaneous and unexpected and unmanufactured.

And that’s probably going to keep me single for another 13 years down the line but that’s what I want. I’m up in the clouds and just waiting for someone else who is flying on the same altitude as myself.

I thought the guy I met two months was the one. I thought he was up there in the clouds with me but he wasn’t. I’m coming out of this cloud but I’m not going to land yet on Earth and do things the way people do down there. I like it up here. I’m not done yet with this waiting. And I don’t mind if it doesn’t happen.

I want the meet-cute. I want the movie moment and the love story framed like a narrative from a film or a television show. That’s the only way I can understand it. That’s probably going to make me very disappointed down the line but I’m okay with that too.

It’s been 13 years now and I didn’t die nor was I unhappy. There are ways to skirt around the loneliness and the loneliness has never been so bad that it was debilitating.

So I’m coming off this cloud that I’m in now and moving on to another and hoping still that it’s the one where I’ll finally find that guy to restart that counter of my single hood.

And if it doesn’t happen, then that’s fine too. That’s perfectly fine. Movies nowadays still end happily with the protagonist single and still happy and accomplished. I can still have that movie ending.

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