stalled

Received an e-mail last night that told me the anthology that was going to publish my poem, The Lamentation Suite, is no longer pushing through. They didn’t receive enough good submissions, they said, and scrapped the project. So now I’ve got a whole poem that I’m quite proud of that I don’t know what to do with. I’m now going to look for places to send it to and find it a home.

I’m coming closer to the date of my move back to Manila. I’m finally coming back home and I’m excited because there’s so much waiting for me there. I’ve actually had to decline some offers that came because I am not going to overload myself. I took time to consider all the offers and made the decision on what would make the transition back easier and comfortable.

But then again, I also finished an interview over Skype for an application for a scholarship abroad and despite being such an airhead during the interview, I had this really good feeling at the end of it that told me I did a good job and the panelists liked me. The scholarship is only taking 6 people, though, and they had double the amount of people who applied this year than the previous year so the competition is going to be tough. But they seemed to have liked me and this rush of good energy just enveloped me when I shut down my Skype after the interview and I know that if they had enough slots, they would have taken me in. If I don’t get it, it’s because there were people who had more potential and who would better fit the program.

But until I hear from them at the second week of April, my whole life is stalled. I can’t make any concrete plans until that’s settled. Because if I get it, I’ll be leaving the country to take my post-graduate degree. In film. And I can’t be more excited and nervous.

This is going to be brutal. Not the decision because I have plans for my life whether I get it or not. I have options and I am perfectly okay with it going either way. It’s the waiting that’s the killer.

Stalled. Everything is on pause until I get to Manila and then everything is stalled further until I hear from that grant.

I’m going to be volatile and an emotional time bomb just waiting to burst. I’ve had about a year now of building my momentum. I can’t wait to start living again.

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