dark thoughts

Just an hour ago, I was told that a friend of mine had died. I wasn’t that close to him. He was more a friend of a friend but we had hung out a couple of times and I found him to be a very wonderful, very personable human being and I have only nice things to say about him.

He is younger than me.

It was sudden and, at first, the reports came that he wasn’t looking too well a few days before and that he might have had a really severe case of pneumonia. But now I just heard that it was a heart attack. It was fast and completely unexpected.

It is always unexpected.

It’s been hours now since I first heard the news and, apparently, he’s still in the ICU and he’s fighting for his life. His heart had stopped and he flatlined but they were able to bring his heart beat back up and he’s currently fighting for his life in Manila.

I feel so bad and we are, at best, casual friends.

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dark thoughts (photo by Tuchi Imperial)

There are very few people who are comfortable around me when I start talking about death because I speak about it so casually. I’m not afraid of it. I’d like to think I understand it. I’d like to think that my previous brushes with death has given me a better outlook on life and a deeper appreciation of it.

It still makes me sad, though, when someone else has to face it. I just hope that they have the strength and the support that I have when it comes. Because I’ve been lucky. And I’ve been saying that a lot and I think that sort of takes away from my own choices and the work that I did to stay alive.

Yeah, I had given up at one point, and I was ready to bow out but people talked me out of it and I listened.

I listened.

I listen. And I heard what I needed to hear so that I could muster up all the courage inside of me to keep working and to keep fighting and to stay alive. And it was scary. But I got stronger and I got well and I’m okay.

And now life is richer and more meaningful. And I keep saying how lucky I am but there was hard work involved in that too. I did that for myself.

And I hope my friend fights for his life too. I hope he gets better. I hope he becomes stronger after this battle with whatever it is he’s struggling against. I hope that all our well-wishes, from his casual friends like me to his real friends and family, reach out to him and he can hear how much we wish him the best.

Because there’s a strength inside all of us that we tap into and I’ve gotten very good at tapping deep down into mine. And I find that it is endless. No matter what anybody else says.

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