It’s going to be a full house today. My brother, the one from Manila, with his wife, and two kids, will be in town as my cousin is getting married here in Bacolod. Relatives from all over are coming and it has been getting crowded. Life has been getting very, very crowded.
I’ve been feeling it, really. There’s always something to do and there’s always something that’s happening or going on and it’s been harder and harder to retreat into my own space. At every moment, I feel like someone is coming in, and as a person who is non-confrontational and who feels a large amount of gratitude for how I’ve been set up here, I find it extremely difficult to say no.
I’m not and I don’t think I’ve ever really been the kind of person to make any demands. And when I needed my space, I would just disappear. I didn’t have to ask for space. I was just gone. I can’t do that here.
The past two or three weeks have been just moments and moments of doing other things. I felt like my life wasn’t mine and it’s so hard to focus because I really want to focus right now. I’ve got work to do and things to sort out in my head but I just never seem to have the time, and really the last thing I want to do is be ungrateful. The last thing I want to be is dismissive and aloof.
So over the weekend, until my brother goes home and things start to die down, I’m going to feel really, really hemmed in and claustrophobic. I’m going to be on edge. I have a Manila trip plan and I can’t believe that going to Manila and surrounding myself with my friends would make me feel less claustrophobic than being here. But I have space there and my time and my needs are given its due. No one makes demands from me with my friends. They would love to see me but they don’t demand it of me so it’s great. The feeling is mutual.
I’m looking for that right now. I’m whining, I realized, but it’s better than just blowing up in real life. Better here than out there where there will be real consequences and serious repercussions. I’m mitigating the damage that I don’t know if I have the means with which to deal with. I’m just biding my time until I have the strength and resources to get out again, to be on my own.
I have to steel myself. This will be a tough weekend.