Pipe Dream (cryptic post)

I’ve been riding the wave of someone else’s pipe dream for awhile now. This person has ambitions and great big plans and I know this person has their heart in the right place, and their intention is good, but the world has changed around them and it’s just going to be that now: a pipe dream.

Excuse my usage of the singular “they” and “them” and the blatant erasure of any pertinent details or facts. I have to be vague on purpose on this post to protect the innocent.

I finally said no. It was very simple and I offered no explanation and none was asked. But another opportunity appeared and I was offered to come aboard again and I politely declined. It was about time.

Having not done any real work for over half a year just so that I can recover from this whole mess with my kidneys has given me a lot to think about and it has given me a lot of insights. Without even planning it, I started to see things from a different perspective, from an area of stillness. And when that level of calm hits you, everything seems to be a sign.

brooklyn3

Somehow, Brooklyn managed to find a way to this post (Emory Cohen and Saoirse Ronan in the very excellent film Brooklyn)

Again, I had a whole blog entry about signs before, how I believe that what we see as signs is just our minds creating an otherworldly, unexplainable phenomenon that validates the choice we really want to make. We want something  so badly and we see signs from the flight of birds or from the headline of an article that somehow relates to your desire and you take it as a message from the universe to go and do it.

Regardless if the sign is real or not, the fact is that you want to do it. So you should do it.

And today, out of the blue, my friend DC and I were talking about Brooklyn. He had just seen it and asked me what he thought. I told him I loved it. Through our dissection of the film (he didn’t like it as much as I did), I ended up stating that I really connected with her because she found herself when she left her home and left her comfort zones and she had to make her way in the big, wide world on her own without the world insisting on what she is and who she can be. She was free.

I really connected with that. I got teary-eyed when I was trying to explain that to DC who saw the film as merely a period romance. Is it a sign that DC would have seen Brooklyn recently and asked me about it today, of all days, and that I was meant to enter that conversation so that I could reveal that part of me to myself?

Regardless, I know how I feel. I want that taste of freedom again.

Brooklyn isn’t just a love story, for me.  It was a movie about coming into your own. It’s a coming of age story about finding your own place and finding out who you are.

And this wonderful person whose pipe dreams have inadvertently kept me from making greater strides at going for what I want still wants the best for me and still has me in their sights but I realized I’m not going to grow because they are my comfort zone and over the years, I’ve become one of theirs. I have to let go. I have to let go of them.

It’s not their fault. They really wanted the best for me but over the years, I’ve been burned and it’s time for me to gently take a step back away from our working relationship. We will always be friends. But there’s really no place for me in their pipe dreams anymore. Not with who I am now as compared to who I was before. I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot.

I’ve actually said no to someone that I really care about. That’s huge for me. No really is the most powerful word that I know.

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