The removal of the permanent catheter took less than an hour. My mom and I spent more time waiting for the bill than the whole procedure. I didn’t go under, just used local anaesthesia, which made things very eerie and macabre. Dr. Achurra was talking to me the whole time, asking me if I felt okay and if I was feeling any pain. At that point, I knew he had cut me open and that my chest was somehow exposed. And then he said so himself and all I could think of was that they could see everything that was inside of me.But it was just a tiny incision. I felt pain, though. Something to do with my clavicle. I don’t know if it was a drill or a laser. There was heat. But it had a sound, not unlike a drill, and it had that smell when your dentist is working on your teeth. That I felt, and that really hurt, but it only happened twice. Apparently, the local anaesthesia doesn’t work on bone.
I was home in less than two hours and I stayed in bed the rest of the day. I even had my dinner in my room. I just feel so exposed. The skin goes over your body. It’s supposed to keep everything in. Everything inside you stays inside because of it. In less than a year, doctors have opened up my skin four times and I get so scared sometimes that something has fallen out or gotten away.
In a metaphorical sense. In a supernatural sense. I don’t know.
The catheter is gone but I have this huge bandage on my neck and its painful and I have to give it two to three days to heal. I should replace the bandages on the third day, the doctor said, and I should be able to leave it out in the open over the weekend.
By next week, I can start taking showers again. By next week, I can go and swim, if it wasn’t so cold. I could go to the beach or something like that.
That’s what I cannot wait for. That’s what I feel I need. I need to feel normal in my own body again. I want to be able to feel like who I used to be. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin like I used to.
Hopefully, I don’t have to go through surgery or any sort of medical procedure again for a very, very long time. I just want to keep everything inside, you know? I just don’t know what is going to come out and I’m afraid of what might get lose or go free. I’ve just been so angry. Lately, I’ve just been holding back this urge to tell everyone to shut up or to just leave me alone. I just want some space. Everybody just needs or wants something from me and I just want to focus on me. I just want to be left alone for awhile and it’s hard to manage these stupid feelings thinking that I’ve been opened up and they’re going to start coming out now and I can’t hold them in anymore.
I was always so scared of medical procedures, surgeries, and operations because I thought I was scared of the costs or the damage it does to my body (and I am scared of these things) but it’s what’s inside that I’m most afraid of.
What if they cut me open and all the bad inside me gets free? What if all the bad stuff I’ve kept locked away just starts rushing out now and I can’t stop it from coming out?