a day for myself

I went to SM today. I saw that Uniqlo opened their branch here in Bacolod, I hadn’t really bought new clothes since last year (and I gave away a lot of my old stuff when I moved out of Manila) and I just wanted to have some time for myself. I sent the driver home (here in Bacolod, I use my parent’s car and driver) and chose to go home by taxi on my own time.

I really just wanted time to myself and away from the house.

I sort of wanted to be alone from the hustle and bustle of home. I wanted to not have to adjust to anybody else’s schedule and be beholden to someone else’s time or demands. I just wanted some time to do what I want without real regard and consideration for the people around me. I love my family so I’m always thinking if my music is too loud or if my Dad might want to watch a movie or something. Or I can hear everything happening and sometimes I feel guilty if I just put on my earphones and lie in bed and try to block it out.

I know I could and that I’m perfectly alright to do so but it’s in my nature to listen in and see if I can help. Be aware of what is going on around me and this house and to adjust if necessary to make it more convenient to everyone.

Walking alone in the mall allowed me the chance to move at my own pace, to go as far as I wanted to go or to just stop and stay in a shop and browse and take my time. No one was making demands on my time and I can call the shots.

I really needed that today.

I bought myself a lot of clothes and I feel guilty about it because it isn’t like I’m going anywhere while I’m here. But when I get to Manila or if I do have to go out to meet with my cousins or whatnot, I’ll have some nice new clothes to wear, at least.

The retail therapy was helpful but at the same time I was able to buy something for my brother for his birthday. I’m so happy I was able to get him something. He has been such a sweetheart since I got here. He’s changed a lot and I’ve changed a lot too and something happened between us in 2013 that sort of upended our relationship but things have settled and we have allowed ourselves to rebuild a new relationship.

I’m so glad that Uniqlo opened here and I’m so glad that I was able to go out on my own and get to stay away from everyone for awhile. I am so used to living alone that even with all the space in this house, I still feel claustrophobic because I’m just not used to all the people in it. There’s a lot of space here and I have my own room but just knowing that people are out there in their rooms and doing their own things, it makes me feel tied down.

I miss the freedom. I miss the solitude.

I think this is something I have to do every now and then before I get stir-crazy. I wonder if this has anything to do with how I’ve been feeling lately?


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