I’ve been struggling with a script for the past few weeks. It has been hell. It’s been adding to the depression that I can’t seem to produce. I’ve accepted that I’m depressed and that could be a cause (not the cause) for the difficulty. I’ve accepted that the story I was given to work on was not completely to my liking; but I’ve managed to still write a good script within my deadline despite what I think of the story. I’ve accepted that it’s hotter than ever and that this catheter is really ruining my life. But I’ve written a script while I was so sick with the flu (this was pre-HIV days) — so sick that I could only eat mangoes and bananas and drinking milk — and still gave a good script on the day of my deadline.
I’ve managed to pull through the worst of conditions and I still managed, somehow, to produce. That’s why this is adding so much stress and anxiety because this is so unlike me.
I don’t believe in writer’s block. It’s why I’m constantly reading and writing. Even if I’m not reading a book, I’ll make sure to be reading something — an article or whatever — or watch a movie and deconstruct it afterwards. I’m blogging when I can (if I have something to write about) or tweeting or sending e-mails. It’s all training so that when I have to write, I can write.
It’s what I believe in and it has worked for me.
Writer’s Block is really just not wanting to work on the project. You don’t need to be inspired to write. You probably need inspiration to write extremely well, but it’s not a necessary thing. A good writer, honed by years of experience, will be able to write well given whatever circumstances. If nothing comes out, it’s not because he’s uninspired. It’s because s/he doesn’t want to work on the piece for whatever reason. What’s you’ve figured out what that reason is and dealt with it, you’ll be able to write. You’ll be able to work.
Today, I wrote so much of the script I’m having difficulty with. It’s not a lot. I’m far from finished but I’ve really managed to get through a huge chunk of the beginning. What did I do? I went to my Dad’s room and wrote there.
It’s my room here in my parent’s house. When I’m in my room here, I just want to lie down and sleep. I just want to lie down and not do anything. I always have problems writing in this room.
When we decided we were going to move here and we said, “That’s the house we’re going to rent,” I chose this room because it has a window on three sides of the room, which meant there would be a whole lot of sunlight. I love the morning light as it floods my room in the morning. And when it’s windy, I get a breeze from all sides (because I keep my door wide open). I never use the A/C and this was the perfect room for it.
But I can’t work here. I just want to lie down. Even when I was in this room for a vacation, healthy as I could be, I couldn’t work here. Even when I didn’t have a catheter. I would just lie down and settle in and I couldn’t budge from my bed.
I’ve gotten very quirky and eccentric about my writing conditions the older I got. I hated working when people were present. I liked being alone. When I wrote Sonata, I was living in a condo in Eastwood with my Dad and my brother and because they always slept late, they’d be asleep during the morning and I would be wide awake at 7am or 8am and I’d be doing my best writing at that time when the house was still and quiet.
I like having my privacy.
This room makes me feel so exposed. I don’t mind it but it isn’t conducive to writing. It might be a good thing as I’m here to rest and recover, primarily, but since I do have to work also, I think I’ll be going downstairs to the dining room to work or in my Dad’s room.
I was able to work there, finished a large chunk of this difficult script while my Dad and my brother were in the room but I still managed to soldier through it.
It sounds crazy but I know what I need to be able to work. It’s spoiled, I know, but it’s my peculiar writing quirk and I am now going to adjust because I know what’s wrong.