“And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite”

I saw it again, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I saw bits and pieces of it again. My mom had a file of the film in her hard drive and I put it in my computer because I told myself that I would need that movie again sometime soon. The first time I saw that movie, I felt my very core was shaken. It had been three years now since I saw it. I checked my mom’s copy and I randomly selected a scene at the middle to check the copy and I found myself at the scene where Patrick (Ezra Miller) toasts Charlie (Logan Lerman) at the party and I just started crying.

I had seen this movie three times already (cried each time), I’ve read the book several months later (cried again), and even cried while listening to the soundtrack on the train going home. Three years later, without even seeing the whole film, I catch one of the scenes that I really resonate with and I’m reduced to a puddle of tears.

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I was overwrought with emotions and I had no idea who I could talk to. It was almost midnight and I could only think of one person I could talk to about what I was feeling. So I sent my friend a text and he replied and I was a horrible mess.

He responded wonderfully, though, I have to congratulate him for taking me seriously and lightly at the same time. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, otherwise, if he was only serious or to took it only lightly. I am so happy that he took it so well. I was a bleeding mess.

But my birthday is coming up next week, and I’m going to be 37. And The Perks of Being a Wallflower is hitting me hard again because I’m reminded of the time that I spent putting everybody else’s needs before my own. It was time that could have been spent working towards what I had wanted for myself.

I was so scared of whatever it was I was scared of back then that I never really tried as hard as I could have. Failure? Of not really being good enough? Of not being likeable? I poured everything in making everybody else’s dreams come true and giving them the support that I could give because it was easier than having to face the possibility of my successes or failures.

I’m proud of everything I’ve written so far and all that I’ve done to make other people’s dreams come true. Or even just being there. So many people are always complaining about no one being there or being kind or not having an agenda. I don’t think I have any when I help someone. If ever, the only agenda I had/have is to run away from my own challenges.

I’m always just running away. People say I’m brave. As I was crying, watching all the scenes that resonate with me in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I realised I’m the most frightened person I know. I’d rather have people tell me what to do and who I am than having to make these choices myself. I’d rather be a crutch or a shoulder to lean on than be on my person.

I’ve gotten really good at appearing like a full and whole person. I even fooled myself.

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This scene from The Perks of Being a Wallflower just hit me so hard, last night, harder than before

I read my past blog entries on that time I first saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower and realised I’ve said a lot of things and made promises to myself that I did not keep. I’m still running away and I didn’t even realise it.

How far can you run away from yourself? The distance can be as far as the cradle to the grave. But the time that it takes to find yourself is just a matter of making one choice and the rest of your life to make sure you do not veer away from it.

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