I woke up today and the pressure bandage on my neck just fell off my neck. I rushed to the bathroom to check out if the wound was exposed, if I had to be scared, and instead, I saw the tiny scar, the piece of the suture that is still sticking out and — most importantly — I could see my neck.
I haven’t seen the whole of my neck since October 25 when the temporary catheter was placed. Now, I can see the scar of the two puncture holes where the tubes came out of where the blood would come in and out during dialysis. That’s now on my chest but at least my neck is free. I have a range of mobility I didn’t have for over two whole months.
And with that sudden rush of freedom today, I felt a sort of release. Until now, there are no certainties with regards to my health — if the dialysis is permanent, if I’m going under the knife again for a fistula, if my life will get back to a semblance of normal — but it’s the first time in a while that I am feeling like something is actually improving.
Sure, the latest lab results have shown a large improvement in my results regarding my haemoglobin and my creatinine has finally decreased by a significant amount and my potassium has gone up. But those are numbers and I don’t see or feel the effects.
The lack of mobility, the pressure bandage on my neck and the intermittent bouts of pain that I was dealing with — those are things that I can feel and quantify. For the first time, I honestly feel like there’s a chance at some sense of normalcy.
And I’ve come to some realisations (again) and some new epiphanies that I will be blogging about in the coming days. This is all leading up to The Thin Man, I’m sure, where I put down all my thoughts about this whole ordeal and try to make sense of what has happened to me on both a personal level and a macro level, man and the universe and all that. I’ve got e-mails, really amazing e-mails that I think I can share, some really dark poetry, and essays on life, struggle, health, acceptance, forgiveness, and love.
I think it will be a pretty good book when I get it done.
I have several files already in place in a folder. The pages are starting to accumulate and the book is practically writing itself.
I can’t wait to get to share it with everyone.
Happy new year!