I feel mental, like I’m going insane or something with such drastic mood shifts. The last entry I have is about how angry I am at myself and how it’s so hard for me to find any silver lining in this dark cloud situation that I have put myself in. I was angry and depressed and struggling.
I hadn’t spoken much here at the house for the past three days and during lunch and dinner, I would just listen to my Dad and Mom and brother speak but I never contributed and just listened. I would leave the moment everyone was done and not stay longer and converse with them the way we always do during after meals. They would try to make me laugh and the most I could do was smile, if at all.
At lunch yesterday, my Dad told me that he wasn’t going to presume to understand what I was going through and that he meant every word that I was allowed to grieve for my losses but to not let the depression take hold of me because I am “a good person and you have always been a positive person and you deserve better. It’s just not right and not fair that you would have to go through so much but what is worse is that it’s bringing you down and you shouldn’t stand for it.” Something like that. I’m paraphrasing.
I couldn’t say anything. I could just nod my head. I started crying though. It struck a chord in me. I wanted to tell him that I blamed myself for what has happened to me and that how could I or anyone say that I “deserved better” when I know that all of this that’s happening to me is all because I made stupid decisions in my past.
He then bought me Potato Corner after his 3pm meeting and since I couldn’t just stay in my bed and play or read on my iPad while eating Potato Corner, I went to my computer and switched it on and looked for something to watch. My friend had given me a file for the film Perfect Sense with Eva Green and Ewan McGregor. I’ve had it for years, literally, but never saw it and I don’t know why considering I love Eva Green and the friend who gave it to me knows and understands what kind of movies I like to see.
I had totally forgotten what this movie was about but feeling my sadness and since I had a bucket of Potato Corner fries (cheese and sour cream), I decided to watch Perfect Sense.
I was crying. I was crying like buckets. What a beautiful, lyrical movie! What an awesome, awesome experience. It shook me to the core. It woke me up and it was like a real hard slap in the face.
Afterwards, I just sort of somehow manage to realign myself with my current situation. I found a semblance of strength inside of me. I just didn’t want to be sad anymore.
So afterwards, I invited my Mom to watch Pan’s Labyrinth with me as I wanted to watch something mystical and within the realm of the fable and even the mode of horror for something I have to write and my Mom and I realised we hadn’t seen Pan’s Labyrinth since the first time we saw it in 2007. We were so impressed that we checked out the cast and we discovered that two of the actresses in Pan’s Labyrinth — Ariadna Gil and Maribel Verdu — were in Belle Epoque along with Penelope Cruz.
So we watched Belle Epoque as well (luckily my Dad had a DVD) and we forgot how wonderfully charming, beautiful, romantic, and funny Belle Epoque was. My Mother and I were laughing our asses off. I almost ripped off my bandages on my neck from laughing so hard.
And just like that, I’m done. I just don’t have it within me to be angry or sad or defeated anymore. And I feel like such a flake, like I’ve just discounted everything I had written in my previous entry about being angry or sad.
It’s not even about the reasons I have of being frustrated over the reasons I may have for being grateful. That has nothing to do with it. It’s just that how else do I want to proceed from now on. The lists haven’t changed. The bad still outweigh the good but it’s a choice, really, that I’m not going to let it change me.
Because I can mope and sulk (and boy can I mope and sulk like an Olympic champion!) but I don’t want to because it’s not me. It’s not who I am and somehow, I was reminded of that yesterday. I think Perfect Sense had this way of slapping me with the cold hard truth and then Pan’s Labyrinth shook me awake and then Belle Epoque just allowed me to lose myself in this one singular moment of joy.
Yes, my Dad’s little speech had something to do with it too and how my Mom and my brother had given me space when I seemed to have wanted it. To know that everyone is rooting for me and cheering me on is so helpful and encouraging. I’ve never needed the external forces, really, because everyone has been so vocal of their support.
It’s me who needs to be more forgiving of myself. And if not forgiving, then to just accept and to continue on as myself.
Because it’s enough. It’s enough.