just like Frankenstein’s monster

They told me, the nurses, that in two weeks, this catheter on my neck won’t be as uncomfortable or as painful as when it was first attached.

I took a selfie of myself right after the doctors inserted the catheter in my neck for my catheter. That's not blood on my shirt, that's the Betadine (just saying). Hospital selfie? I'm such a #millennial

I took a selfie of myself right after the doctors inserted the catheter in my neck for my catheter. That’s not blood on my shirt, that’s the Betadine (just saying). Hospital selfie? I’m such a #millennial

It’s around that time and I’m already turning my neck around and stretching my neck back as far as I am able because my back is killing me from the forced posture that I have to adopt because, well, the limited mobility caused by all my surgeries and whatnots have been a bane to my sense of motion and movement.

Earlier this week, I had the fistula surgical implanted on my left arm. There’s a tube now that attaches a vein into an artery and in the next four to six weeks, the vein is going to get bigger and when it’s matured (an actual medical term for what happens when the vein becomes big enough for blood to flow during dialysis) then they can remove the catheter from my neck and I can start using the fistula for my dialysis.

Five years ago, I would have gone nuts over the idea that I have synthetic parts in my body. It was something I was always afraid of. I don’t want to be offensive or insulting to people who have been living with artificial internal organs but I’ve always been healthy. I’ve always been active and in my family (where everyone is basically sorta kinda lazy) I was the only one who actually thought of exercising and was physically active. Everyone kind of baby-ed themselves and I just soldiered through the very infrequent times that I would get sick. I was a monster, really, I think and now, several years later, I’ve become more like Frankenstein’s monster than anything else.

I have a catheter covered in a bandage hanging outside my neck and my kidneys needs a dialysis machine to effectively clean out my blood. In four to six weeks, this tube inside my arm will have matured and it will help make my life easier by being the permanent entry point for future dialysis sessions.

I’m thirty-six years old and my body is already falling apart.

Ask me six months ago and I would have cried at the whole thought of all of this. Now, I’m back in the province, living with my parents again, re-evaluating my life, and planning a completely new way of living with all the new variables that have been added to the mix.

Life is not always how you plan it to be. Even the best laid plans of mice and men… You gotta roll with the punches and learn to swim the current to where it will take you.

It takes a little getting used to. I’m working on it. I don’t want to whine or complain. There are people who are worse off than I am. But this is all I know. This is what I know and I can only deal with things based on my own experiences. I am lucky enough as it is. Roll with the punches. Swim with the current. Land on your feet and keep on running towards somewhere you can be happy. That’s all I can do.

That’s what I’m trying to do.

8 thoughts on “just like Frankenstein’s monster

  1. Be strong Wanggo! Later ko nlng nalaman about ur blog and am so adik to it na cnimulan kong basahin from ur first entry hanggang sa ngaun and feeling ko tuloy matagal n kitang kilala. Wanggo, from the time I saw u on tv and masabi about ur condition, I know ur strong person. Sa mga napagdaanan mo n alam ko isa to sa kaya mong malampasan din. Me and my partner is praying for u. U r such an inspiration to both of us. Just be strong and remember this HOPE – Hold On Pain Ends.

  2. You have always been strong and I’m sure that you can find your rhythm sooner as expected. I got diagnosed with HIV 6 months ago and I think that I’ve handled it as objective and positive (no pun there haha) as I can. I told my friends about it within minutes and Said that I should be fine. Told me the story about Magic Johnson and yes, you Wanggo. And honestly, I may not know you personally but you have been an inspiration really and I feel like i have known you for years. So hang in there. Stay strong. Inspire us always. I’ll include you in my prayers.

    • I hope you are getting through the early parts of just having been diagnosed. That’s always tough. It took me three years to finally accept what happened to me, if you can believe.

      Thank you for writing to me. I hope you have an easier time than I did and I am so happy that your friends know and it sounds like you have a support system.

      Thank you and be well.

  3. Wanggo, when I found out my status, I already started reading your blogs. Before, I was just curious about HIV but I am now officially one of the patients. Im always thinking how long I can be strong and survive. Right now, Im just happy and healthy, I still remain goodlooking and consistent gym work out but at the end of the day; how long will I stay in this world ? No matter how you look, how you carry yourself, how you perform.

    • If there’s anything I discovered after diagnosis, your life and what it means to you is set by your own rules and standards. No one else can define now what is important to you. You must decide what you value and live for that, whatever it is.

      If it’s work or love or family; if you just want to be rich or filled with company of good people — then fight for it. Because you still can.

      You are alive. That’s a gift. Let’s not squander it anymore.

  4. I am inspired by your attitude & determination. By your courage in sharing your experience. “Life is not always how you plan it to be…Roll with the punches. Swim with the current. Land on your feet and keep on running towards somewhere you can be happy.” From an outsider this looks like a huge understatement…like, how can you just have this attitude & outlook & seemingly shrug it off?
    That is the beauty you shine on the world. Beautiful is an understatement. You are helping & inspiring with your story.
    Peace & Blessings to you. ❤

    • Thank you.

      The only reason I can think of, on why I can so easily “shrug it off” and just take it is because all my life, people have been good to me. I’ve been really been cared for by the people around me an even by strangers. I have no reason to be angry or bitter.

      I am always grateful. Every time I fell, someone was always wiling and happy to help me back up again. Because of that, I’ve become this person.

      Thank you. You say such kind things. I am — again and always — grateful.

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