I don’t know if it was yesterday or the other day but something just clicked and now I don’t feel so much in the dark anymore. I can’t exactly pinpoint when it happened but this is what I was able to put together when I finally decided to tweet today after a dearth of any sort of need or longing to communicate with the outside world. I enter into full-hermit mode when I’m feeling down.
And I guess that is what it is really. I had a lot of fears and anxiety caused by this financial instability plus this sudden bout of weakness and frailty and I really just thought that all of it meant that I did not have the capacity to really make it out on my own.
I know I do. I just have to soldier on, stomach it in, and keep trudging on because what I want is more important to me than giving up and taking it easy. Surprisingly, it was this surprise (not so surprise) visit from my parents and my sister-in-law that put everything into perspective. It both plunged me into the darkness but at the same time, it is also the space that allowed me to find the light and to get myself out of the darkness. I was able to climb out of that hole I somehow put myself in.
I can see a way out. I can see the horizon again. My ship is okay and the hull has been repaired, the sails have been stitched clean, and the crew is well-fed, and the stores are filled with food and water. I feel ready again to be on this adventure.
There really is something to be said about not having to pretend that you are fine when you really aren’t fine. It’s okay to be not okay. And the person you need to admit it to first is yourself. Because the moment you realise that something is wrong in your life is the moment you start trying to find the problems and fixing it. Otherwise they fester and they grow.
I hope this is the last of these dark moments that I would have to go through this year. I feel like I’ve been through enough for 2015. It has been a harrowing year so far.
Sure, I had an insurmountable high and one that I could probably never ever able to reach again until after a long year stretch before I manage to find that purity of process the way we all just accidentally found ourselves in with No Filter but I refuse to believe that it is a once-in-a-lifetime-moment.
Just keeping living with an open heart and an open mind and I’ll have more of those to come very soon. Just be honest. Just be genuine. Just be giving and be able to receive with graciousness and gratitude (which are two very different things).
Maybe that’s what got me into that rut? That I thought that I would never be able to feel something as pure and as profound as No Filter and that it was over and that it could only be downhill from hereon.
But, no, I don’t believe that. There’re more opportunities out there just waiting. And I’m coming.