delinquent / recovery

So that bout with the flu took me out of the ring for quite a bit of time. The worst is over, I think, the coast is clear and I’m out at sea again and ready to hustle.

But I’m going to take it easy.

I was practically in bed for three days straight, not doing anything but resting and sleeping and sneaking in a bite or two. I was following the adage of “starve a fever” and just taking in a lot of soups and fruits and fruit juices to help kill the flu or whatever was causing the fever. I don’t know if it helped but I was good enough to get to do some work by Sunday and then spent Monday in bed just to make sure I could recover so that today I’ll be able to go to my first day of rehearsals.

During my fever dreams, though, at the early stages of this flu, I’ve suffered from strange disturbing dreams. Visceral, Vulgar. Strange. Disturbing. Everything disturbing.

And then, coalescing, I started to see things, perspectives that were not available/open to me before because I was too much of a positive person to see the world from the point of a negative viewpoint. And from the negative viewpoint, seeing the world with shade-tinted glasses, I saw some truths that have escaped me.

Stuff that I’m not yet ready to put out here in public. But major life decisions are going to have to be made. And some important consultations are going to have to occur. As much as I can say, though, is that I’ve made some really poor choices.

And maybe that’s unfair and I’m being grossly unfair to myself. I made choices and they just didn’t turn out the way I thought they would. Was it a gamble? Maybe. I thought I could live this way but now I have to re-think everything and it’s scary when you realise that you overestimated yourself. Or maybe I didn’t and the stars didn’t just align properly and things just didn’t fall into their proper places.

I’m not looking for something or someone to blame. I’m also trying my best not to blame myself. It is what it is. Dust yourself off and try again.

But I’m not yet fully recovered. This recovery has been delinquent and the few days I’ve been out of commission has brought out the worst in me. Thank God, I was all alone in my place, in the dark of my room, suffering from fever chills all on my own. No one had to see it. The darkness of my thoughts and the vile ideas that I didn’t think I could harbour came slipping out of the dark corners of my head saw a bit of the light of day. They were necessary. It gave me access to points-of-views that I had no access to. They are back in their dungeons and the prison is locked shut. I have to get back to my life but I’m still pretty much in recovery. Getting my head straight. Getting myself back in optimal condition.

Everything delinquent. This recovery delinquent. I’ve become delinquent.

3 thoughts on “delinquent / recovery

  1. Outside the reality of HIV, all of us would find ourselves wallowing in darkness of either pain, self-doubt, regret, rejection, loss, and all the many negative feelings. What defines us in the end is how we deal with all those and how we come out stronger, wiser, and better.

    Between us, you are, of course, the authority of our condition so I am sure you’ve got that part covered. While I may not know exactly what you’re going through, it’s already enough for me to note that you have decided to make the better choices (soon).

    You will do that because you know that there are people like me who look up to you and seek inspiration. You chronicle your journey here because you know you can affect lives. And not to put unnecessary burden on your shoulders, we will wait how this epiphany would go. Not only because we seek to learn and to get inspired but because we are all rooting for you. We wish you’d come out stronger, wiser and better from the darkness. Why? Because we also hope that should we find ourselves in the same situation, we have your experience as precedent and be more confident that things will definitely be okay in the end.

    Seeing how your journey has gone in the many posts you’ve shared, I know that living with HIV is definitely not all rainbows and sunshine. But this blog, your experiences, and you, above all, have taught me that how my life turns out depends only on me.

    Clichés are clichés because they always ring a certain truth. And as the adage goes, to appreciate the light, darkness is necessary. You told me this last night through your response so I’ll give back some ounce of optimism you shared–you’ll be fine. We will all be just fine.

    • Wow. I am so humbled by such kind words, Aldwin. Thank you.

      I didn’t realise that it would come back to me in this way — my own words being throw at me at full force and waking me up from this shaking feeling that I might have to give in to certain realities. But now, I just feel more inclined and more galvanised to find better solutions out of my problems.

      Thank you for the support. It means so much to me. From me to you, and then you to me. That’s ecology, isn’t it?

      Gracias. Yes, we’re both going to be just fine.

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