So that bout with the flu took me out of the ring for quite a bit of time. The worst is over, I think, the coast is clear and I’m out at sea again and ready to hustle.
But I’m going to take it easy.
I was practically in bed for three days straight, not doing anything but resting and sleeping and sneaking in a bite or two. I was following the adage of “starve a fever” and just taking in a lot of soups and fruits and fruit juices to help kill the flu or whatever was causing the fever. I don’t know if it helped but I was good enough to get to do some work by Sunday and then spent Monday in bed just to make sure I could recover so that today I’ll be able to go to my first day of rehearsals.
During my fever dreams, though, at the early stages of this flu, I’ve suffered from strange disturbing dreams. Visceral, Vulgar. Strange. Disturbing. Everything disturbing.
And then, coalescing, I started to see things, perspectives that were not available/open to me before because I was too much of a positive person to see the world from the point of a negative viewpoint. And from the negative viewpoint, seeing the world with shade-tinted glasses, I saw some truths that have escaped me.
Stuff that I’m not yet ready to put out here in public. But major life decisions are going to have to be made. And some important consultations are going to have to occur. As much as I can say, though, is that I’ve made some really poor choices.
And maybe that’s unfair and I’m being grossly unfair to myself. I made choices and they just didn’t turn out the way I thought they would. Was it a gamble? Maybe. I thought I could live this way but now I have to re-think everything and it’s scary when you realise that you overestimated yourself. Or maybe I didn’t and the stars didn’t just align properly and things just didn’t fall into their proper places.
I’m not looking for something or someone to blame. I’m also trying my best not to blame myself. It is what it is. Dust yourself off and try again.
But I’m not yet fully recovered. This recovery has been delinquent and the few days I’ve been out of commission has brought out the worst in me. Thank God, I was all alone in my place, in the dark of my room, suffering from fever chills all on my own. No one had to see it. The darkness of my thoughts and the vile ideas that I didn’t think I could harbour came slipping out of the dark corners of my head saw a bit of the light of day. They were necessary. It gave me access to points-of-views that I had no access to. They are back in their dungeons and the prison is locked shut. I have to get back to my life but I’m still pretty much in recovery. Getting my head straight. Getting myself back in optimal condition.
Everything delinquent. This recovery delinquent. I’ve become delinquent.