So I’ve decided to just go with it. I’ve never been one to just float in the sea and let the current take me wherever. I don’t know if it has anything to do with my ambitions or my wild imagination, but I like to make plans and I have visions of myself in the future but no matter how hard I try, I always find myself going on some other path.
And now, on practically a whim and just a desire to do something new, I got into something that has become bigger than myself and I’ve found so much joy in it and so much growth and everything that I could have possibly ever wanted and it was never in any of my plans nor was it anything I could have dreamed up of on my own.
So now, I’m just going to go with the current instead of swimming against it all the time. Sure, fighting the current and making my own path has given me strength, character, a sense of discipline, and maybe even wisdom but I keep talking about surrender and I don’t do it enough.
I was laughing at myself yesterday because just yesterday morning I was saying that I “would probably be good at doing PR but I would hate working for PR” and would never do it and I went to a job interview for a possible retainer-type writing gig and, in the course of the interview, I discovered they wanted me to practically do PR work including seeding (which I hate), planning, and strategising. Without missing a beat, I said, “Sure.”
Who am I and what have I become?
But I’m not going to fight it. I’m going to make my proposal and my cost estimate, I’ll assemble a team that I want to work with, and I’ll give my price and my basic strategy and see if they’ll match my price and if they say “yes,” then great. I’ll put another feather on my cap, I’ll have breathing space because I know money will be coming in every month, and I’ll get to grow and learn all over again, using different aspects of who I am and putting it into work. I’ll learn something new and learn on the way and increase my network all over again and grow as a person.
The goal, of course, is to get stable so that I can just keep writing. Creative writing. That’s the goal. But I’m taking care of myself and I have debts and bills to pay and I’m going to make this all work out for me somehow and instead of forcing everything into a certain path that lay out, I’ll do it by letting the world take care of me the way astrologers, alternative healers, new age mystics, and even practical and realistic friends have been telling me for years now. “People want to help you, Wangs,” they would tell me. “You just have to let them.”
It seems that I have walked this Earth and gathered enough good will to be treated kindly and with respect and I work hard and I have a lot to show for it so people will give me a chance and want to see me succeed. So, I’m going to stop all this bullshit about “not feeling worthy of all this love” and all this bullshit about not being deserving and all this low self-esteem/self-worth crap.
So all these people want to collaborate with me and write with me and all of a sudden, I’ve this urgency to write fiction. I don’t know where that came from but I want to do it. Who knows? Maybe the second book will be a collection of short stories?
What if that’s where the current takes me? Sounds good to me.