“just a phase”

Right before going to bed, I ended up having a long chat exchange with one of my good friends who I haven’t been seeing much lately. And the funny thing is, usually, when I don’t get to see my good friends too often, it’s because they haven’t reached out. I usually do but I am horrible at making plans and the moment they set something up, I usually make time to go and see them.

That’s the way it has usually been, anyway. It’s very seldom that I initiate the plans. Fear of rejection or whatever… Or just part of my submissive personality coming into play. I don’t like to make demands and I can be that way to a fault.

Anyway, in this particular case, my friend has been initiating and it was me who has been dodging it. Not because I’ve been dodging her or the group; I’ve really gotten busy the last few weeks.

But at the same time, I just fell off of synch with them on our Viber group. These are some of my longest-running friends. I’ve known them for over ten years but lately, I just don’t seem to relate or want to contribute to anything that they talk about on our Viber chat groups. Lately, what they’ve been talking about, I don’t seem to have anything to say.

A lot of what I occupy my time with right now involves theater and art, I’ve been watching a lot of shows and exhibits and galleries and I’ve been having wonderful conversations with artists and performers and talking about craft and their history as artists or performers. I’m very much involved in that right now and I seem detached from the world occupied by my old friends.

I still say “hi” and contribute, though rarely, when I can find something to say. I’m not completely invisible, like I can be.

But last night, just between us, we started talking and she mentioned something about an incident that happened the night before that worried me about her. She was going on and on about some little thing that bothered her and I thought it was a small issue but she made it sound like it affected her so much. She mentioned it again in our private chat last night and, I took a deep breath and trusted on our friendship and I told her what I thought and that I was worried, and maybe a little turned off by how she reacted to what was a non-issue for me.

I was so happy that she was grateful that I pointed it out to her. She didn’t realise that it had come across that way and that she is happy that I showed her a different perspective on her actions and we talked about it some more and we got down to the nitty-gritty of her personal life which we sort of have stopped doing ever since we got on our Viber group thread. We do it a lot when we are together, just the two of us, or when we chat privately. We were doing it again last night, getting into the personal and figuring out stuff about her and I felt close to her again.

I felt great to be the friend who can tell the truth and I felt great that my friends are the kinds of people who I can tell the truth to about them and they take it as positively as possible and without drama or offence. I felt happy about the choices that I made with the friends that I have decided to keep and the choices I’ve made in what kind of friend I was going to be.

I’ve made really bad decisions with regards to friends in the past. I spent maybe a good ten years making really bad decisions about the company I chose except for a very tiny few and that tiny few I’ve kept over the years but everyone else I’ve cut off from and I’d like to think I’ve chosen better now.

And it’s a great reminder for me to realise who I was then and who I am now and it’s nice to know that I’m making better choices now.

I told her that this path that I’m on that has made me quite scarce in our group “might just be a phase.” I told her I am really, really neck-deep into art right now and I can’t just get out so easily and she totally understands and she said, without being hurtful or hurt, “maybe we are now on different paths and I hope, one day, our paths will cross again.”

And I sort of laughed, lying in bed and holding my phone, because it sounded like goodbye and that wasn’t at all my intention. “No,” I countered, “I’m not going away or anything. It’s just a phase. And I’m sure we will cross paths again, very soon. We’ve gone through this before.” Or something like that.

And it’s true. We have. Our friendship has survived a few years of not seeing or hearing from each other on a regular basis but we always manage to find ourselves back in each other’s shores and basking in the sun and talking about the present and the future, and if needs be, the past and how we got here.

And I am happy about this little reminder about friendship. I’m happy that I’m getting a better grasp of what it means and what it really entails.

I’ve made better choices in my older age. I hope to keep making better choices as I continue on and move closer to my forties.

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