Yesterday proved to be a very, very trying day. It was challenging in all levels and I was really, really desperate to just throw in the towel and tap out.
To be honest, I think at some point, I did.
I don’t usual vent or rant about how tough my day is on social media. Maybe I’ll go as far as saying “I’m having a tough day” on Twitter and then make a joke about it; but I don’t usually go there. I don’t like using my social media accounts for that sort of thing. That’s what this blog is for; but even I don’t indulge those feelings in public anymore. That’s not something to be shared openly, I feel. It doesn’t do well for me. It works for others but not for me. I’ll write a poem draft, at least, but my days of whining or bitching or raving on social media is at an end, or being curbed, at the very least.
But yesterday was just impossible and at the height of everything crashing together and making such a horrible mess, I decided to just vent it out on my Facebook. I found a photo that I thought was appropriate and representational to what I was feeling and I just started writing down on my status update what was supposed to be a poem but not really. It’s something else. The line cutting makes it look like a poem but it’s not yet a poem. But there’s something there. And I’m putting it here before it gets lost in my wall.
Today, nothing is easy.
I want to bury my head in the sand and not come up
until it’s done being cruel.
I don’t even want to come up for air or food or water.
I just want to stay there and see nothing, feel nothing, be nothing.
I know of days like this.
I’ve survived days like this.
I will even survive this day.
I will even forget this day ever happened.
But right now,
at this moment,
with his foot on my throat
and his vicious smile
goading me to cry,
I surrender to this force
and play dead.
Just long enough for him to go away.
Just long enough to catch my breath.
Just long enough to feel
the ground beneath my broken body
push against me as I try to sink
deeper into its surface.
But the earth won’t embrace me.
I’m not dead, just playing at it.
And I’m way too old to still be playing
this silly game.