So, I’ve been thinking of changing the lay-out for this blog. I’ve actually been thinking about it as far back as last year — thinking I would have the time to do it for the start of 2015, but I just didn’t have the time. It wasn’t a high priority and family was in town and there was just so much to do.
I thought about doing it right before my birthday, so that on my birthday itself, I’d have a new look for the page — complete with a new poem, which I knew I was going to write on the day — but there was so much to do that I never got around to doing it.
Now, I’m thinking of doing it right before the release of Remnants: A collection/A memoir, my first book of poems, and while I’m waiting for the publisher I spoke to about working together, it gives me a chance to really figure things out. If the publisher decides it’s not the kind of book they want to put out, I’ll have to pay for the formatting and distributing myself, and that will take a lot of work on my part.
But that would probably be a good time to revamp the blog site and fix up the lay-out. I just need a day or two to figure out how all of this works. I’m too cheap (and broke) to hire someone to do it for me (though that might be a better option).
Maybe if the book does well, I’ll have money enough to do it for the second re-vamp when the second book comes out!
So I saw this the other night on my WordPress search statistics:
I don’t know how I feel about that. Someone cares enough to find out if I’m still alive. Or maybe s/he can’t wait until I’m dead. What’s funnier? This isn’t the first time someone found my blog using those exact search terms. This is probably the fourth time.
Well, I’m still alive, damn it! I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m stronger than ever and I’m more than just surviving. I’m thriving. I’m living. And I’m going to be doing more amazing things in the next few years. Just you wait. I’m alive and I’m still here.
Let This Be The Last
I’m currently struggling with a truth that I know in my head but cannot seem to let go in my heart. This is the other sharp edge of hope. This is the challenge of wanting things. And I’ve gotten so good at letting go of expectations and just doing things for the sake of doing it and not for getting anything in return.
But this one is impossible to just simply release. I know all the signs are pointing to the fact that it is great enough as what it is but I want more. But that’s not how it goes. There’s nothing I can do about this situation. It is what it is and I should just accept it.
I’ve accepted everything else that has happened in my life but this one thing. This one thing.
This is obviously about a person.
Let this be the last. Once I let go, let there be no more. I don’t want to ever be in this place again.
Dancing is Living
I’m going to dance. Even if Daloy Dance School has moved to Erehwon Center for the Arts in the far side of Quezon City, I’m going to take classes there, especially this summer. I’ve spent my whole life wanting to dance and now here’s my chance to get better at it and I’m not going to let this go. It’s one of the few physical activities that I actually love doing and I will not stop just because people say I shouldn’t push myself.
And while there are other dance schools that are nearer, I love the people of Daloy and they have done so much for me already and I love the way they teach their classes.
I should have been a dancer. I could have been. But that’s the past. This is now. And I’m not going to let this opportunity pass the second time around.
I’m preparing myself to be more involved in the Spoken Word scene in Manila. This is where poetry seems to be moving towards and it is time to adapt and shift my traditional, academic paradigm of poetry and move towards where it is all advancing to.
But I have every intention of bringing that training with me to these new shores. I will try to marry the old style with the new. I also plan on evolving my style. I’ve been writing the same way for more than a decade now and it’s time to evolve and I’m really hoping that Remnants: a collection/a memoir will do that for me. It will be a chance to say goodbye to my old way of writing and to really sit down and explore new ways of writing poems.
And being more active in the Spoken Word scene will help me there, I believe. And everyone in the community are so friendly and encouraging and supportive. They are wonderful people. It would be nice to a part of that.
And that’s it really. Just some random musings — things that have been occupying my mind, as of late — and I just wanted to get it out. I guess it’s inescapable, just coming from a birthday.
It’s time to evolve. I’m 36 now. It’s time to leave the umbra.