The past two days have found me jumping from one movie to another so that I could review it for Juice, while struggling with an article that met with certain unexpected road blocks. It has been harrowing. While all of this is happening, more commercial work — event writing — has come to my lap and if I win the bid, I’ll be making some good money and, right now, my shift in priorities has been towards paying my debts and getting financially stable again like I used to be.
The following weeks are going to be challenging as I will have to be moving from one place to another to catch staged productions and catch all the movies that will be coming out in the cinemas and this is not going to be easy. I won’t say it isn’t enjoyable. The hard part is going to be clearing my head to be able to write all my reviews without exhaustion, to keep each review refreshing and insightful, and to not get intellectually exhausted that I miss out on certain aspects of each movie and show because of information overload.
I saw Birdman last night and loved it completely. My review should be coming out today and, it’s not so much as a review, as it is one long extended rave of the film. I really, really loved it and I could not find any fault in the piece.
The thing about Birdman as well as how it made me think about what I’m doing with my craft and what I hope to achieve. It made me question myself as an artist and that’s equal parts scary, but it is also helpful because it pushes me to search for the truth behind my intentions and once you discover that, you can push forward.
I’m not unhappy. I’m not discontent. But I am anxious. I’m old enough and experienced enough to know how to get out of this limbo I feel. And if I am to be honest with myself, this feeling is completely unwarranted and has no real basis in anything real. It’s just a feeling that has crept up inside of me and as I’m writing this, I know it’s coming from a place of impatience and the fact that I can’t see where my future is headed.
I’m losing my ability to stay in the present but that comes with advantages and disadvantages. The advantages of being “in the now” means that I am less stressed out and I am just happy to be doing what I am doing and just be okay with how things are. There are no expectations that I place on myself and I can work and hopefully create without the pressure of being magnificent. The disadvantage of being “in the now” is that I don’t seem to have any sense of urgency and I take a more relaxed pace and I don’t worry about what’s coming and I find myself unprepared for it when it comes.
The advantages of thinking ahead and seeing the bigger picture is that it makes me strive harder, work harder, and allows me a chance to set my priorities and work on them harder. It makes me want things and when that happens, I am stronger and more capable of tolerating the bullshit of the corporate work that I must do to get what I want. The disadvantage of thinking ahead and investing in a certain future is the stress of worry and the insecurities that come with aspiring to something bigger than myself and that comes with it because when I want something, it always has to be big and grand.
I have to find the middle ground. I have to find that balance. I thought I found it already back in 2012. I can’t seem to get back to that state. I want things and it makes me anxious. It makes me impatient. And I’m at my worst when I’m impatient.
Focus. That’s what I need right now. I feel that my heart is broken, my soul is doubting itself, and my head is everywhere. The beach did ground me but I’m weightless right now. It didn’t take too long to float up again.