ghosts of love’s past

So, for some reason or another, my laptop couldn’t connect to my home wifi network and I was shut out for a couple of days. At least it kept me from whining and complaining online but I would have liked to have attempted to write some poetry drafts, at least. But the days have been filled with social engagements that kept me pretty happy and kept me from going into the darkness. I’ve been happy and smiling and in pretty good cheer but I was taking energy from the people around me and found myself cycling it back to them. But when I’m alone, I find myself in a dark space anyway.

The ghost of Christmas Past Tense (photo and digital imaging by my father)

The ghost of Christmas Past Tense (photo and digital imaging by my father)

This year has taken more out of me than I realised and I won’t hide it or pretend it isn’t so but I won’t make it the tone of my last few days of this year. I’m going to end it with a bang.

After all, the highs far outweigh the lows — I wrote T’yanak, I went to Portugal and Spain, I started dance class, and I met a great deal of wonderful people who I see every month and we get to read plays. I totally forgot The Play’s the Thing reading group that I joined this year. I forgot to list it as one of my many blessings because, well, it has become such a comfortable and familiar thing that I thought it had been going on for years now and it only occurred to me that it only started last March. That’s something I am very grateful for.

And I got my heartbroken and that means my heart still works. It has been a long time since I met someone that my heart would get broken for and that’s a good thing. That means it still works and I’m grateful for that as well.

Funnily enough, last night I went out with my good friends and for some strange reason I had encountered four people who have turned my heart upside-down. The most recent one messaged me on Facebook out of the blue while I was having dinner with my good friends. It was just a “hello” sort of thing, nothing special. It was a friendly greeting which I forced myself not to read too much into. I was thrilled to have gotten it as it might show that we are moving towards a real space with which to become friends but I will not deny that I was hoping it would be something more.

But it probably wasn’t. I’m a fool but I’m no longer that hopeless romantic who will believe that I’m the one who gets the guy in the end. I know that sounds jaded and cynical but it’s not. It’s realistic. I set myself up for unrealistic goals and there’s only heartache and pain when I start to ignore the rigorous reality that I live in. The signs are there and it tells me that friends is probably the most we will be and I can be — and I will be — happy about that.

As the night progressed, I bumped into three other people who I’ve lost my head over. They were all in various stages of drunkenness and I was sober as I was the designated driver of my friends. There was recognition there of our shared history, for two of these guys hadn’t seen me in a long time, and the other had the strangest reactions as things have been tense between us as of late.

Them being drunk versus my being sober did not lend much for connection. But somehow, it felt good to know that I was in a good place in my life (even though I haven’t been in a good state emotionally) but my life moved on without them and, in all honesty, so did theirs without mine and I found some level of poetry there.

We were not meant to be and the fact that I was sober and they were not sort of underlined the fact that it was probably for the best that we did not get together.

It could be wishful thinking but that is what it was and how I felt when I woke up the next day and how I feel now.

It’s a strange way to end the year but that’s how it is going to be, it seems. But I’m still ending it with a bang. Last night I danced and came home at 4am, which I haven’t done in a long time. It’s a good feeling. To be able to come back to situations that used to happen often but to have an older, more mature perspective of it, and to not be destroyed by it as I used to be.

In which case, maybe this year isn’t as merciless as I make it out to be. I just had serious lessons to learn and I think that when it came down to the day of the exam, I think I passed. Maybe I even got a high grade.

On to the next year then. I think I’m ready.

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