this journey’s days are numbered

One of the tourist trams at Rua da Bica de Duarte Belo very near Bairro Alto in Lisbon

One of the tourist trams at Rua da Bica de Duarte Belo very near Bairro Alto in Lisbon

It’s over.

There’s no denying that. This journey is coming close to an end. It’s near. Even the weather knows it so it has started to rain. So that I don’t feel so bad. It’s crying for me, this country. Lisbon is shedding tears because I will have to go for a long time and no one knows exactly when I will return.

But I will return. That much I know is true.

This trip has done so much for me that I can hardly wait to get back home to see how much I’ve changed and how much I’m going to throw myself at all the new things I plan to do.

Because there’s a goal now. There’s something I want now and it’s more than just existing and writing and being. It’s more than just having a voice and getting it out there and putting out the message and just producing and producing. I want to be in a place that feeds me too. I want to be in a place where I feel inspired and where I feel like I can take a break and there would be something beautiful for me to see and I wouldn’t have to go too far to get there and that there isn’t much of a hustle-and-a-bustle. It doesn’t have to be a struggle just to be in a place that calms me and inspires me.

And I can’t get that at home. Yes, there are problems here too. There are problems everywhere. Especially for a person like me. But Manila just doesn’t seem conducive to writing and to doing what I want to do. I feel like I will be spending more time just trying to survive than I will being a part of some sort of eco-system where I take as much as I give.

I’m not stupid to think that it won’t be tough anywhere else. I just need to be in a place where I can walk in peace, and I see beautiful things when I walk, and I can take a train, and sit at a park and just relax.

I want to be in a city that breathes.

And this trip is over. I have a few days left but it’s done. My heart is set to going home because I want to start working on all my projects. I want to work like an animal, repay the kindness of others, get as creative as I can and use all that I saw and experienced here and put it out there, and work towards moving out and coming back to Europe.

I want to go home so I can make all the necessary preparations to move and find a new home.

Because I want to write in a city that inspires me and not one where I have to keep treading water and keeping my head from submerging into the depths, just enough, to finish writing something worth sharing.

I want to go home so that I can find a new one.

This trip is done.

A bigger one awaits.

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