There’s no denying that. This journey is coming close to an end. It’s near. Even the weather knows it so it has started to rain. So that I don’t feel so bad. It’s crying for me, this country. Lisbon is shedding tears because I will have to go for a long time and no one knows exactly when I will return.
But I will return. That much I know is true.
This trip has done so much for me that I can hardly wait to get back home to see how much I’ve changed and how much I’m going to throw myself at all the new things I plan to do.
Because there’s a goal now. There’s something I want now and it’s more than just existing and writing and being. It’s more than just having a voice and getting it out there and putting out the message and just producing and producing. I want to be in a place that feeds me too. I want to be in a place where I feel inspired and where I feel like I can take a break and there would be something beautiful for me to see and I wouldn’t have to go too far to get there and that there isn’t much of a hustle-and-a-bustle. It doesn’t have to be a struggle just to be in a place that calms me and inspires me.
And I can’t get that at home. Yes, there are problems here too. There are problems everywhere. Especially for a person like me. But Manila just doesn’t seem conducive to writing and to doing what I want to do. I feel like I will be spending more time just trying to survive than I will being a part of some sort of eco-system where I take as much as I give.
I’m not stupid to think that it won’t be tough anywhere else. I just need to be in a place where I can walk in peace, and I see beautiful things when I walk, and I can take a train, and sit at a park and just relax.
I want to be in a city that breathes.
And this trip is over. I have a few days left but it’s done. My heart is set to going home because I want to start working on all my projects. I want to work like an animal, repay the kindness of others, get as creative as I can and use all that I saw and experienced here and put it out there, and work towards moving out and coming back to Europe.
I want to go home so I can make all the necessary preparations to move and find a new home.
Because I want to write in a city that inspires me and not one where I have to keep treading water and keeping my head from submerging into the depths, just enough, to finish writing something worth sharing.
I want to go home so that I can find a new one.
This trip is done.
A bigger one awaits.