I’ve already left

I’m still here, physically, but my heart has already left.

I’m working my ass off trying to get as much as I can done but all I can think of is whether I’m ready for this trip. I’m thinking if I’ve packed enough clothes and if I brought the right stuff. I’m thinking if the books I ordered for my sister-in-law will arrive before I leave. I am wondering if I should bring this overnight bag or that one for my side trips to Prague and Madrid.

I’m worried about leaving my Dad alone for 55 days and whether he will be able to handle the day-to-day affairs of the house without me there to pick-up the pace. Will he remember to send me an e-mail when the electric bill and the telephone bill comes so I can pay it through online banking?

I have things to do, still. I still have half a script to submit over the weekend before I leave and I could still write a few more articles here and there so I have money waiting for me when I get back. I could still see a couple of friends and say a proper good-bye but the truth of it is, I’ve already left. In my heart, in my head, I’m on that plane and off to my big adventure.

my heart is in the wind, and my body is shifting its time zones towards the West, I'm heading for the setting sun and my body is here but I'm already on the way there

my heart is in the wind, and my body is shifting its time zones towards the West, I’m heading for the setting sun and my body is here but I’m already on the way there

I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m giddy. I have so many feelings right now and it’s all compounded by the fact that whatever I’m expecting, it’s not going to be that way at all. I know that the first week will be filled with moments with my mouth agape and my eyes wide and just taking everything in. I’m not going to fall in love. I’m not going to write a novella. I’m not going to charm some important, European big-wig and all of a sudden have everything I’ve ever wanted fall right on my lap.

They could happen but not in the way that I’m expecting. It is not going to be some corny, cheesy Hollywood movie sort of situation. It’s going to be real and visceral and true. It’s going to be everything I never knew I wanted and I’m going to be so thankful that I’m going to be changed. I will be changed by all of this and I have no protection for it except surrender. I will have no choice but to accept whatever happens and just give in to the experience.

Because that is exactly what it is. It’s going to be an experience and I’ll never be the same again.

And that’s what I have always wanted, right?

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