So I am now attempting my nth try to stop smoking. I found out through a phone conversation that my brother has stopped smoking. He’s a horrendous chain smoker, really, and he always gets me back to it whenever I tried to quit in the past. I called up one day, and we were talking and then BLAM! He told me he had stopped smoking. Cold turkey. For almost two weeks now.
That’s the thing with my brother, Datu. When he puts his mind to something, he goes for it. Full-tilt-boogie. But he has to be convinced and he has to psych himself up to it but when he has made a decision to do something, he’ll just do it. He’s amazingly focused and determined that way.
I, on the other hand, do not have his willpower. But finding out that he had stopped smoking for two weeks and that my best friend Cez has hit the six month mark of not having smoked, I am determined to make this the last attempt.
Of course, last night, I was at my play reading group and we had chosen to read The Normal Heart by Larry Kramer and it got heavy and the piece is very strong and very powerful and when I saw someone light a cigarette, I asked for a puff. Just a puff. I just needed one, I felt. So I did. That’s cheating, I know. But one puff after 24 hours is pretty good, considering, I think.
I like to call that progress.
It’s really the toughest thing in the world and it’s so strange to me since I don’t really have an addictive personality. I mean, I gave up my drugs a long time ago and it was rather simple. I could always say “no” to it, even during my heyday. Alcohol was never something I really had to have, you know? And I could always go a night out without it. At the most, I always thought my addiction has always been to people. I always liked to surround myself with people I really like and just really stay with them and be with them.
Now that I’m trying to quit smoking — again, after several attempts — I realise how difficult it is to give up an addiction. And mine is cigarettes.
It’s only Day One and I feel like throwing myself against a wall because I just want a cigarette so badly. This is going to be a tough next few weeks, for sure.