I’ve been very, very distracted lately. I came in to this year with my mind racing in so many directions. I have not been able to focus and I haven’t been able to come up to task with many of the things that have come my way.
I am not at a hundred percent.
I might be emotionally or mentally exhausted. Maybe Sonata not having been such a success affected me more than I ever admitted. I had said that I was just very proud of having been a part of the making of that film and it was enough; to know that I wrote this film makes me proud and that’s all I could ever want but maybe I wanted more. I wanted it to lead to so much more and it didn’t. And maybe that disappointment is haunting me.
It’s the first time I’ve even ever thought of it and it’s weird seeing it come alive on my computer screen. I’m dealing with this demon for the very first time as I am writing these words.
I’ve found solace in my poetry and as the book is just waiting for the cover art to be finished, it has also become my escape. In the process, though, I have the second collection of poems pretty much fleshed out. At the very least, I got through that big hurdle.
But there are other things that I want to do and there are other collaborations that have been waiting for me to get out of my rut and to start flying again like I used to.
Every thing is so distracting right now and I can’t seem to get myself together to do great things again. Not that the poems are not great. I think they are. I think putting this collection together is going to be important and instrumental — but I could have done it without having putting my whole life in danger. I’ve dipped into my personal savings and that’s disappointing because I am not the type of person who would let myself go so carelessly. I’m much more put-together than that.
Now that we are on the halfway mark, I’m dead-set on making sure that this year is not some glitch in what has been an otherwise exciting and monumental decade of my life. I’ve told so many people that my 30s are the best and that I couldn’t wait to reach this age. I won’t let my 35th year on this Earth be one of falling off the horse and not being able to get back up.
I’m not a quitter.
So, it’s June now, the halfway mark. We let go of that shit and start moving forward and we rise. Again.