Things started to align themselves and it has become kind of clear to me that I’ve been investing my time and effort in the work of others. That’s not a bad thing. I learned so much and have become part and parcel of larger things. I like being a part of a big machine. I like being in service to others. It makes me feel good to be useful and helpful.
But the past few months, I’ve been getting wary and weary of working on certain things that I didn’t believe in and my sense of self has come to the fore. There are things that I want for myself and I always thought that if I was just going to be good at what I do, I would eventually be found and someone would come out and help me finance my own projects; my own personal work.
Instead, I find myself coming in to help others make their dreams come true and my dreams are starting to demand my attention.
I have been taking stock of my own goals and I’ve decided to stop waiting for a “higher authority” to validate me and sponsor me. It hasn’t happened yet and it probably won’t. So, I’m working on my own book, on my own effort and money. I’ve already gone as far as prepare the second collection of poetry which I will be able to really sit on and improve while I’m promoting the first collection — which is almost done, just waiting for the cover artist to finish the cover art — and that will be the start of my brand new life trajectory.
I wish I could just go out there and write and have my writing take centre stage, but after everything that has happened in my life (becoming an HIV advocate, having been a part of the magazine world of the Philippines, being the son of my very-famous director Dad), there’s no escaping that I’ll have to be there side-by-side with my work. It will never just be about my work; I’ll always be a part of that equation.
So I’m going to use it. I’m a social being, who can handle himself well in social situations. That’s part of my skill sets and I have never thought of it as part and parcel of what I have to offer. I have five years of experience walking up on stage and talking about me with regards to HIV has made me confident enough to talk about my life and my story and I have my ups and downs in the realm of public speaking, but this is a skill set too. This is an avenue I have not explored or even dreamed up of with regards of what I can do.
I am not one to self promote because I come from a totally different generation. I was always more comfortable with others promoting my efforts, rather than doing it myself. But things have changed, the world has changed and I’ve always seen the truth behind the phrase “Change or Die.”
I’ve been crashing into walls and I haven’t been making dents. I should stop using my fists and pick up a sledge hammer.
I’m scared. But if you weren’t even a little bit scared, then there’s something wrong with you. Big life decisions, important life changes are never meant to be easy. The road only becomes less frightening after you’ve been on it for quite awhile. It’s time to get on the road.