I had a really good day yesterday. Things just started to feel easier again. I am not so troubled as I have been the past few weeks. Maybe months would be more precise.
I remember a few entries back, I was whining and complaining about having to face up to a mess that I made caused by my own pride and inability to face my own failure and bad decision making skills. I did face up to it and I’m slowly cleaning up the mess and it feels good. It feels good to get things back in order.
And I am mending a relationship that had been torn asunder late last year and the resentment had been building up over the course of this year that it had started to debilitate me creatively. I’m not the kind of person who holds anger very well and I can usually let it go after a good night’s sleep. If it stays longer than that, it affects me badly.
I think this is the first time I held something in for so long that it had paralysed me. It was a special case, so it required a whole lot of soul searching which I was able to do up in Baguio. It was a very strange trip for me but very necessary and eventful. I sorted things out and like all problems, it wasn’t going to go away unless I acted upon them.
So when I got back down, I did. And things started to roll again and things are starting to get better and I’m breathing easier and sleeping better.
Slowly, I’m writing again; quickly, like I used to. I’m starting to be able to piece things together fast and coherently. I’m getting my mojo back and that’s a good thing, really. I miss it. I miss the old, productive, workaholic me.
Just in time for the holidays too.
I’m going to make a mental note to let anything settle in my head again and to face all the demons as they come. I am not the kind of person who does well with anger and resentment, especially because it has a tendency to corrupt my spirit. I could do it well before. I can’t do it anymore.
I’ve set up my life to be free of restraints and anger and darkness and lies. Be honest. Be free and unrestricted. That’s the way to go. That’s what works for me.