what i needed

Okay, so I figured out pretty late in the game, that I am suffering from depression. I have no reason to be depressed — everything’s pretty much fine — but all the symptoms are there. The dip in my productivity, the inactivity, the lack of drive and focus, and this hiding-away-from-the-world bullshit. That’s not me and I hate it.

And if it were a depression that I can understand, like I know the reason and it’s concrete and logical, I could deal with it. But this depression for no apparent reason; well, that just sucks. How can I face up to my demons when there are no apparent demons to face? I cannot wage a war against invisible demons.

Cez and I facing the gorgeous sunset at Bataan, beer in hand, the sea before me, and one of my best friends at my side -- it was what I needed

Cez and I facing the gorgeous sunset at Bataan, beer in hand, the sea before me, and one of my best friends at my side — it was what I needed

So, Cez invited me to go to the beach last Sunday. She said she was taking our friend Stacy to the beach for her birthday and said that I should come. I told her that I was sick and she wouldn’t have it. “Come,” she insisted, and the next thing I knew, I was packing my bags and the following morning, I was in the back of her car and we were on our way.

The sun was out in full force and we just parked our asses on some beach chairs and hung out at the beach. Stacy caught up on much-needed sleep. Cez soaked up the sun, and I jumped into the water and completely submerged in the cold, salt water of the sea. I made more affirmations, asked the sea to take away my depression, and asked for focus, direction, and drive. I then joined Cez and Stacy at the beach, parked my butt down into the chair and let the sun dry my body as we drank beers and listened to music from my iPod attached to speakers. The sunlight was hot on the skin but there was a strong breeze and it was comforting.

We ate a big dinner and fell asleep before ten o’clock and woke up at seven thirty in the morning to jump back into the beach.

It was just absolutely gorgeous, being there, and feeling free. Nothing was holding me back and nothing was pressing down on me. I felt liberated because being there meant I had no obligations. There was no unfinished work that I could get to and there was no one bothering me. Cez and Stacy are friends I can speak freely with and not have to watch myself or what I say and so we could speak openly and we did. We shared our troubles and dreams and hopes and fears.

And I told myself that this is all I really needed at the moment. If I was depressed, it was just a piling up of little disappointments that eventually became this large mass inside my chest and I let it turn me heavy and unmoving. And if that was what I needed: to give the demon a face and a form then I could beat it. I could face it. And it’s just disappointment. Disappointed with so many little things that, when you pile them together, made up a large thing that brought me down.

Well, I refuse to be beaten by disappointment. That’s just stupid. As if I’m the only one in the world who ever gets disappointed. It’s such a spoiled brat reaction to what life has to offer. And there, in the beach, with two of my best friends and a gorgeous beach under the bright, hot sun and facing the cold sea, I knew that while there may be disappointments, there is still so much beauty to behold.

And I’m not alone. I have never been alone; even if I wanted to be.

I take strength in that. So, starting yesterday, on our way home, I told myself it’s time to man up and be stronger than this. I let it get the better of me and enough’s enough. I am not the spoiled, whiny kid that I was ten years ago. I’m no stranger to disappointment and I am no stranger to facing demons. I do it everyday.

And then I saw this old, foreign couple looking for shells and stones in the beach and I thought to myself, "They made it through all the disappointments that litter everybody's life and here they are, still together, in this gorgeous beach. I'm going to make it. I'm going to be fine."

And then I saw this old, foreign couple looking for shells and stones in the beach and I thought to myself, “They made it through all the disappointments that litter everybody’s life and here they are, still together, in this gorgeous beach. I’m going to make it. I’m going to be fine.”

So I’m going to start my work again and finish the unfinished and take charge of my life all over again. And I know I said I won’t write down these stupid little whiny entries anymore but this is what I feel inside and it’s time to get it out so that I can face it for what it is. It was a moment of weakness and I let it run free inside me for far too long.

Welcome back, Wanggo. Time to be a man again.

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