in the process

So I think I’ve hit rock bottom; or I’m about to.

I’ve been fighting the flu, lethargy, inactivity, stress, and a piling workload and I felt as if I was in a horrendously deep hole and couldn’t get out. It was frustrating and it brought about horrible feelings of self-loathing which forced me to continue taking in all of the negative energy that I surrounded myself in; shut the world out, and in the process, fed on my inertia. It was a vicious cycle. I gave in to the darkness and found myself eating my own foot, in the process.

I’ve spoken about how much I hate whining and this is starting to sound like and another empty promise that I’m going to finally get out of the shit hole I put myself in; but the truth of the matter is, I think I’ve just hit rock bottom because I can feel the glimmer of hope starting to get brighter and I am wanting myself — practically through sheer force of will — pushing myself back up again.

I hate having to do this but it works. I hate it that this is my process but it is what it is.

Eventually, I’ll find a new way to deal with the problem when I’ve grown up a little bit more, but as of now, this is the process and I’ll stick with it because it’s what I can work with. I know how to deal with it when it happens and when it comes.

If I disappear for a bit, or if my entries start becoming more few and far between, it’s because I’m going to start throwing myself at the work.

I hope that this is my last entry about this in a very, very long while.

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