a conversation from last March

From me:

I’m pushing zero

Where is my hero?

He’s out there somewhere

Left of the middle…

(and then a YouTube video link)

from him:

in the midst of all the revelry

i’m feeling lost and alone

with no one to guide me

not even a song…

— from _______’s own

from me:

I’m not even going to pretend I have what it takes to guide you. I’m offering that you wander aimlessly with some company.

_____, I feel like I’m losing you.

I want to be there. I don’t want you to go through “bothered and bewildered” moments alone.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never met you. I merely have a picture of you on FB. And I’m hardly premium goods.

But I think I get you. I think you get me.

I would like that to mean something.

I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m grabbing at straws and throwing myself into dark rooms and stumbling in the dark.

When did it stop becoming fun and into something that meant something more?

And is that even possible?

It got personal. I’ll admit. I dropped the ball again. I let it get to me.

I just want to be there for you.

There’s nothing that follows. This is a conversation on Facebook several months ago. I don’t remember if there was a follow-up through text or on some other form of social media. If there was, I don’t have it any more on record. Just that Facebook message that ends and then continues two months later; with me giving in and sending a message again.

And I haven’t heard from him again.

He is not the one that I mentioned in my previous post. He was someone who could have been but, apparently, never was and never will be.

And this is not that which I am waiting for that has struck me with this unbelievable sense of stasis. I have not moved an inch and barely made a dent with the work load that has come up.

Last entry I said I was waiting for something. I wasn’t sure what it was. It’s not this person; for sure. But I’m emptying my pockets and throwing away loose ends. Eventually the thread will reveal itself.

Tonight, there will be no sleep. It will just be about work. And nothing more.

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