cutting ties, breaking lose, setting free

Sonata -- it's time to set you free, I love you more than I should, it's time to let  you go (and to set me free)

Sonata — it’s time to set you free, I love you more than I should, it’s time to let you go (and to set me free)

There’s no question my whole life has gone topsy-turvy over the release of Sonata. I thought I was prepared for it. I’ve seen my Dad go through this over and over with each film he’s ever released, so I sort of knew, on a subconscious level, what it would entail. I thought, having made my first film at thirty-four, that I would be more mature in being able to handle the fallout from the release of the film.

I was so wrong.

Prior to the opening of Sonata, I had told myself that I am proud of the work and that it is fine if it didn’t become a hit or whatever. I was just happy to have been a part of this film and that it had been done.

But when the film came out, I didn’t have that resolve or conviction. I was tethered closely to social media checking every single little reaction people had of the film. I was and still am a mess, really. No one can prepare you for what that would feel like. No one can prepare your heart for the kind of emotional and psychic backlash of constantly wanting to hear more and more — to know if people liked it or not.

My productivity has gone on an all-time low and my immune system suffered. I’m sick as a dog and fighting a flu with tooth and nail. I’m taking good care of myself but I think it is time to really let go of Sonata and set it out into the world as is. I cannot defend from everyone who sees it. And not that I have to. It’s no longer mine. It’s out there. It belongs to everyone now.

I’ve written poems and poems and put them out here in my blog when they come to me and I’ve never really encountered the same feeling before. And you can’t say that writing for film means more to me than writing a poem. A poem, in itself, is entirely and completely mine. The film is a collaborative product of everybody in the cast and crew’s hard-work. I don’t have sole ownership of the work. Why did the film affect me more than when I release poems to the world?

I don’t know. I’ll never understand that.

But it’s time to let Sonata go. I have more work coming my way and it’s time to take what I’ve learned and move on. It is time to progress and to use everything that I’ve learned in the process and become better.

It is important to me but it is not all of me. There’s more. I have so much more. I can’t wait to show you everything that I have still inside of me.

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