needing and not wanting

I was going to write about getting exhausted. I was going to write about how I’ve got so much on my plate and I seem to be unable to muster up my forces to face them and conquer them. I had a few weeks of inactivity; moving in and getting settled has taken a toll and has consumed my day-to-day that I haven’t had the time for myself that I need to be creative.

I can't seem to find my heart these days (Anti-Valentine Party, Feb 2010)

I can’t seem to find my heart these days (Anti-Valentine Party, Feb 2010)

Then I saw on my WordPress site stats that someone checked my old entry called grinding and I don’t remember having written it and what it was about. It was written a good whole year ago and then some and it was about getting back into the city and finding myself losing heart. I was articulating that I had to remember that things are different now. Back then, I was out here building things. It was reminding myself, out loud, that I should change my way of thinking: I’m shouldn’t be on survival mode. I’m here to build things.

But I’ve been on survival mode for a while now. Worrying about bills and if work is going to come and if can make it to the US in time to visit my sister — these are the things that are on my head. So many things are happening and I am feeling like I am barely keeping my face above the surface of the water.

So much has changed in a year and then some when I got back to Manila. My film, Sonata, is coming out this September. When that shows, I will have earned the right to call myself a screenwriter. I have more work coming in the approaching months. I have an international trip coming up next year. Steps are being taken for me to make a good shot of going to America to visit my sister this year. I’m driving again. I’m in a better place, geographically, and my family and friends are on my side. I can feel their love and support and encouragement everyday.

So, I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. Like I’m scared of what’s to come and that I’m not ready.

Maybe it is because I don’t remember how to balance needing and wanting like I used to. Before, I felt like I needed to do this and so it drove me forward. I knew that I didn’t want to do this and that kept all the frustrations and expectations away. But now, I think I’m wanting it as much as I need it and I find myself bogged down by expectations. And I can lose my way so easily when things don’t come up the way I expect them to.

Recently, I found myself falling for someone and it felt good, but I was turned down in the nicest way possible. I was scared that I was going to retreat into a dark place the way I’ve done before but after two or three days, I made a conscious effort to throw it away. I didn’t need it, I wanted it, and just because I didn’t get it doesn’t reflect on me as a person. It doesn’t say anything about me, per se. It was bad timing. And I found myself back in a good place and forging forward. We may not be a couple, like I wanted, but we are still friends, which I needed.

That’s the key. The things I want, just because it doesn’t come to me, doesn’t reflect on who I am. I can set aside the disappointment and forge ahead. Move on. It doesn’t mean I’m any less than who I am and it should not stop me from losing heart.

found this on google images under writing and I had to choose it over all the pen and paper pics that they put; it's more honest

found this on google images under writing and I had to choose it over all the pen and paper pics that they put; it’s more honest

That’s the missing piece.

I hope I can get out of this funk. Yes, things are not as ideal as I would like them to be right now. But I want this. I need this. What is this? It’s writing. It’s creating something that means something. It is to take in everything that I know and that I will come to learn and turn it into something that can be shared with others; so that hopefully, they too will gain from it. These movies I write, these poems I craft, these words — I need to be doing this. I want to be doing this.

We forge on.

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