getting to know myself

I’ve been struggling with a lot of insecurities lately. I was hit by tons and tons of self-doubt and I started second guessing myself and the direction to which my life is going to. I guess that’s normal, but I’m the kind of person who takes it just a tad too far, methinks.

Wanggo versus Punta Fuego sunset (May 2013); a return to self

Wanggo versus Punta Fuego sunset (May 2013); a return to self

I was quite depressed and I didn’t even realise it until I went to the beach with my family for some true-blue vacation time surrounded by people I love. The experience was totally healing. I got some alone time in the water and I was floating, completely enveloped by the sea except for my face, which was just above water, and I made affirmations and let go of the negative energy. I know, very new age-y but it worked. Shit like that works for me.

I got back and then things started to move for some of my projects and a few more smaller projects started to fall on my lap. I started getting busy again. The deadlines started to pour and I realised that I was writing them, finishing them, and was quite happy with the work. I thought it was because I went to the beach and recharged but then it hit me: I was not so busy since March. Pretty much, March and April were kind of lax. I didn’t have too many side projects and articles to write and things have been meandering. I didn’t need a vacation, per se. What was different?

The answer was, to my surprise, was workload. All of a sudden, I had so much on my plate. I was surprised that instead of buckling under the pressure, I jumped to it like a moth to a flame (not that moth jumps to flame, they flutter, but I don’t flutter, I jump!) and I realised something important. I work better, I am better when I’m working. When I’m not so busy, I have too much free time that I tend to second guess myself and go into these bouts of self-doubt.

It’s the problem of people who think too much. It’s also the problem of people who are quite self-absorbed and self-centered. I’m all three. With time on my hands, I go crazy just questioning everything about myself and I tend to bring myself down. I’m not an optimist. I’m a realist. And as things stand, I have a tendency to see the glass as being half-empty rather than being half-full. I’m not a pessimist. I have hope. But I calculate the odds (even if I’m bad at math). I just have a big imagination and, sometimes, that can be a flaw.

But now that the work has come and I’ve got deadline after deadline, I have no time to just lie down and think. I’m on my feet (more like on my ass, in front of the computer) and just typing away. I’m writing like a demon and instead of feeling swamped or drowned with work, I’m getting things done, one step at a time. Back when I had only three things to do in a week, it would take me forever to get started. Now that I’ve got three or four things to do in a day, I’m just chopping off heads one-by-one.

I may think too much and I may be self-centered and self-absorbed, but at least I’m self-aware. That’s my saving grace. I can sort of keep myself in check. And now that I know that, I have a plan of attack; so that this never happens again. I can’t ever let it happen to me again.

It’s just such a waste of time and energy.

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