flux

I came back from Bacolod and everything has changed somehow. I’ve pulled back from something and I don’t know what it is. I was half-expecting to be throwing myself at the computer and to be working like a dog again. The week before the long Easter break, I had finished a lot of my work, and I had no pressing deadlines. Everything was done. It was a waiting game from there on, so I went to Bacolod for the shoot of Sonata and I was going to come home clean. I was expecting to come back to Manila refreshed and energised.

Sunset at Caliraya Lake

Sunset at Caliraya Lake

That’s not what happened. I came home and I stayed in bed a lot, caught up with e-mails, and… I don’t know… I floundered. I just entered this sort of static state and I can’t get out of it. I have a few pitches to write and some stories in my head that I should put on to a Word file and get my head creative again, but I’m not in that zone. I don’t know what happened.

Instead, I meet up with people and go wall-climbing. I fixed up my finances, and even got my taxes filed and declared. It’s the first time I had to do that as a freelancer since I always had a a company do that for me. This is my first time, officially, as a freelancer that I had to declare my own taxes. I got shit done, but that’s about it.

I was having a conversation with my sister-in-law and we were talking about how she had placed work above her family for a while and recently, she had found a renewed love for her life and reset her priorities and she put her family right beside work and she felt that work was taking too much time out of her personal life. I don’t blame her. I told her, “You don’t want to overdo it, anyway, the work… because you don’t want to stop loving it. You got to miss it too. You have to let it go just a little bit before you start resenting it.”

Was I talking about myself? Have I been writing non-stop since November of last year (or even June of last year) that I burned myself out? Is this what this is? Am I burnt out from all that work that I am taking it slow again because I’m just a little too spent on writing to write some more?

I don’t like this. Sonata is now on post-production and very soon, we’ll see the first rough edit and by September it will be out. My film. I wrote that. I love it to pieces. Do I have to see it finally completed and see it out in theaters before I want to do it all over again? When did I become so output oriented?! I always talk about the work, not the product!

But I have to be honest with myself, the product is part of what I’m after. Not for the glory or anything; but I’m a communicator. There’s no point on working hard on the message if no one has seen it yet or gets it yet.

But I have to get out of that. I have to get back to the work. It’s all about the work. It’s there. I just have to go out there and grab it. I have to remember what it was that I love doing. I love this. I love writing. I have to get back to my writing.

This state of flux should not last. I won’t make it last. It’s time to get real again.

It’s time to get back to work.

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