wanting to be held (an old blog entry)

This was a blog entry from my old blog, Indulgences. It’s another complaint, another whining episode in a blog that is just filled with whining. This is my former self and it’s bothersome to have to read it; it reminds me of what I used to be, something I don’t like returning to.

But at the same time, it is proof that I’ve come along way.

What becomes very strange is that some of the things I’ve written back then still resonates with me until now. Like this entry, from May 1, 2006, it still applies to me seven years later. Some parts don’t apply, like how I constantly talk to my friends about my loneliness. And “The Spaceman.” Wow. That’s someone I haven’t thought about in a long time. I wonder whatever happened to him. I haven’t heard from him in a long, long time.

How things have changed and yet, how some things have remained the same.

Here is the original entry: wanting to be held.

***

Sophie B. Hawkins from Help Me Breathe (written by Sophie B. Hawkins)
It only takes a fateful moment
To become the one you thank

I had a dream a couple of nights ago (or was it just last night) and it was definitely about my being single right now. It was quite vivid and quite jarring, especially when I woke up. I don’t want this to be a problem. It’s so shallow when there’s so much else to think about right now, but it’s hitting me really hard up the nose that it’s like I’m bleeding and it won’t stop. Lately, my fantasies have moved away from my career and has been centered squarely on relationships.

I’m just so lonely now. And I hate it because there is no reason to be. I’m surrounded by friends who love me and whom I love and family who feel the same way. But there is an absence of something that makes me very anxious. I am filled with so much feelings of… I don’t know… disappointment and anxiety and hostility and impatience and… And I don’t really want to go on and on and on about it with my friends since they’ve heard it all before. And in a conversation with The Spaceman over coffee about 2 or 3 weeks ago, we ended up talking what it is we are really after in a relationship. The Spaceman wondered why I needed some level of emotional or intellectual intimacy with someone when, I’m completely and utterly open to my friends and family. I hold no secret of myself — everything about me is out in the open for everyone to read or to hear.

So is it just sex? the Spaceman asked. Maybe. But sex is just too easy. I could get sex if I wanted. I know where to look. The problem lies deeper than that. Apparently, based on how I am feeling now, there is more than just unloading all your feelings and your mind to someone. I’m chatting right now with my friend, Daniel, from Denmark and he kept asking me what’s wrong and I ended up saying, I just want someone to hold or someone to hold me and know that everything is going to be okay. It’s really that simple, I guess.

It’s getting in the way of everything. I think of all the friends I’ve got and the family who love me and think of how it would be great if we could all just hang out together and for a while, I’ll be okay. But truth is, there are quiet moments when I’m thinking, how great it would be to be in this moment with my friends with a lover right beside me, arm on my shoulder, or leaning into me. Yeah. It comes to my mind sometimes. And I really hate it.

How did I get here? How did I get here when I was on such solid ground? I got to get back to myself. Because I’m losing it. I am so losing it.

 

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